This fall, its been a little bit of a struggle to keep my attitude right and not become an annoying person. While there have been some REALLY fabulous things happening, there are aspects of daily life that have been tough. Okay, so what. Same for everybody. And my problems are absolutely embarrassingly miniscule compared to the people who don't have homes, clothes, electricity, food in Staten Island, Queens-- all the places affected by the hurricane.
Sometimes, when I get into the pattern of downwardness, I start to worry about absolutely everything-- I can't be in the present-- I am always in the future or the past. Why did I say that? How could that have happened? What will happen when...? Even if I am doing everything I know to do in the present to make things happen for my future, I worry that it will not work, that my best efforts will not get me where I want to go. And because of it I cannot enjoy myself even when I am doing things that I love! It ruins the things that should delight me everyday. Constantly being in the future or the past is the express way to depression. It can sometimes be very difficult to trust that the universe is truly working in your favor.
But around about last week I got sick of it and decided I was done. The problem with that is that even after you decide it still takes some time for the bad feelings to go away, so for a while you are just pushing through, hoping for the best. I watch a lot of Oprah, and I'd been watching a rerun of something that said the quickest way to feel better is to do something for somebody else.
About a week ago a Facebook friend put up a post about a community in the Far Rockaways, Queens, that needed food, water, clothes, etc. Joe and I donated to the Red Cross when the hurricane happened, but I always wonder what exactly happens to that money, and where it goes. So having a specific person and place that I could send something to, and knowing that it would absolutely get to the people that needed it motivated me to try to put something together. I went through my closet, and pestered my co-workers to bring in all their coats, sweatshirts, warm clothing, etc. I went to the grocery store to get boxes and for goodness sake they said they didn't have any, which I thought was absolutely ridiculous.
I almost gave up on finding boxes because everyone I asked was rejecting my box needs! It was silly-- and I thought, great scott, I'm going to have to go to a BOX STORE and BUY A BOX. That's the silliest thing. Then the fabulous production gentlemen here at work found me a huge box!!!! So we packed it up and it weighed thirty-nine pounds. I had to laugh when it took two of us to carry it to the mail room. And then much to my happy gleeful surprise: it only cost sixteen bucks to ship! And when all was said and done I realized that I hadn't been thinking about my silly problems the entire time I was working to get that sent out.
My next project was to make treats for a friend whose dad is having serious health problems, and whose family spends a lot of time at the hospital. What a concept-- I can do my favorite hobby, cooking and baking and give everything away! No weight gain here! Except I did have to taste for quality control.
Every time I felt the worry/depressive feelings creeping in, and they definitely tried to, I pushed them away, saying to myself: "I did my work today, I practiced. I am allowed to have fun making things now." And chose to be happy. Yesterday, instead of marinading in my issues, I left the office and when to a lunchtime meditation class. And guess what-- it is getting easier and easier to push those feelings away when they come up.