"What you seek is seeking you."
(I love this quote, but I want to ask Rumi: "Promise? Really? I am seeking very hard and I am working very hard...I want it to find me. Today it is harder to trust.")
On Monday mornings I am often in a pensive mood-- sad the weekend is over, tired, a little moody. Sometimes going to my day job reminds me that I am not where I want to be, and I start to dread and worry. I put on something nice to start the day off properly, make the bed, wear lipgloss, but my brain wants to go to the dark things because I have a case of the Mondays-- like why am I in Baltimore instead of New York where those people are that I am missing so much? Like I am afraid I will forget everything I learned and become complacent about singing and what I truly want for myself, because although Baltimore is a lot of things it can be really comfortable with my apartment and husband and cats and amazing friends and pool membership. Like who am I and did they really mean what they said? That I am good enough, worthy, and capable of doing what I have aways dreamed of doing? Writing this, I am close to tears.
But to circumvent thoughts that are in not really productive and are in fact kind of a waste of time, I am making myself think about things I am thankful for.
1. I am so thankful that I have an all-consuming passion for something.
I wonder what I would do if I didn't. Sometimes I shock myself when I think about the percentage of the day that I spend thinking about singing.
2. I am lucky to have so many people who care about me and want me to have what I want for myself and not just what they want for me.
3. It is a wonderful thing to give yourself permission to be the authentic you. I am trying to do that.
4. I never lost my electricity and air conditioning during the storm, and I am so much luckier than so many! Although, it was a hot morning at my church job yesterday...no AC and singing above the staff should be outlawed. I need to remember to put that in my contract. :) Sweaty sopranos: not cute.
5. Being alive is wonderful even when it is terrible. Just to be able to feel feelings is truly a profound and fantastic privilege.
So it would seem that Mondays for me are the days that faith and trust are tested. It is easy to trust when you are surrounded with encouragement and your synapses are firing glitter. But trusting on Monday, that's what faith is all about.