2010...

I really love those New Year's Eve year in review things. They always make me well up.

Here is my top ten of 2010:

* Two years of marriage: successful, blissful, lucky as hell.

* My New York debut at Merkin Hall: if you don't count my hundreds of millions of auditions. Thank god this was a paying gig!

* Seeing my mother happy in a relationship.

* My first and last Met National Council Auditions...

* The first full year I have ever been able to say that I really trust my voice, technique, and my point of view as an artist. Here's to confidence. Most of the time. Finally.

* Survived endless turmoil at my day job, lived to tell about it. Notable battle scars include a very expensive bill for a mammogram and ultrasound, after doctor found a little lump. This further proves my view that stress absolutely kills and will manifest itself in your body if you don't find a way to get rid of it. Was it worth it? absolutely not. And things are going to change. They have to!

* This was the year of fabulous, fun weddings. In my family, and with my friends. Not to say that there weren't some great ones last year, or the year before, but four in one year has got to be a record for us. Nothing says glamorously trashed like a family wedding. And nothing soothes the soul like a little tradition and some hopeful sentimentalism.

* Cooked a successful holiday meal...if you don't count the fire alarm going off about eight times because of some burning olive oil.

* Realized that nothing could possibly ever be as important as people and that being compassionate and kind is the best thing I could ever do to influence life on this planet. Realizing that I have nothing to prove to anyone, and that "standing up for yourself" isn't always the most important thing in personal relationships.

* A tweet from Deepak Chopra changed my life this year: It said that in the end, everyone is just doing the best they can. We all want to be happy, we all want to feel secure and loved. Boy did that make me look at folks differently, those few times, of course, that I could get over myself for five seconds.

Some how I now know that we are all going to be okay. Life is fun, and horrible all at the same time, fun, horrible, fun, horrible...over and over again. But it always turns out okay in the end. I can say this first hand, because after the semester from hell...I was rewarded with one of the best Christmases I've had in a LONG time! It's the yin and yang, ebb and flow that makes it interesting and keeps us on our toes. What I am SO lucky to have is friends, and a mom and aunts and sisters and cousins. I am so grateful to the people who seem to want to be in my life, for whatever reason. I can be a handful. I am well aware. They are people who have gone to lunch with me when I am no fun at all to be around (and even paid sometimes!), taken my calls, texted me, commented on my blogs, said nice things on my facebook wall, come to my performances, come to my parties, sent me cards, brought me wine, brought me soup, told me when I was acting like a jerk, told me when I was doing a good job, recommended me for gigs, listened to me endlessly complain when they know as well as I do that I have so much to be thankful for and that I should just shut up. It's because of them, really, that I have maintained having a husband and have not driven him batty, because I had other people to spread the love to.

Happy New Year! May you all have more gigs than you can possibly take, bring every audience to tears, and drink lots of wine in the coming year. Love.

Wednesday

Well, we did Christmas. We are about to do New Year's. And so far, despite the momentary family drama I am currently enduring in the midwest, it seems to have honestly been one of the best holiday seasons I have ever had. I honestly have rarely felt so happy, stress-free, and generally with-it for a Christmas. So it was good. And to tell you the truth, I think it had a lot to do with my friends.

I got everything I wanted, except, of course for the ever-elusive diamond bracelet. Because I would be mad at Joe anyway if he ever spent that much money, but someday maybe I can buy it for myself. Or we could go dutch.

Now, I have about one million pages of music staring me right in the face. I need to learn it. And I need to learn it immediately.

Today, I have a plan for memorizing, and hopefully can follow through with it like a good girl.

While I have mixed feeling about the idea of New Year's resolutions, I decided about a month ago to work toward making some significant changes in my life, to work toward making it really look like I want it to look. I can't settle for things, I have to work for what I want. It's easy to forget when you're having a lovely Christmas that there are things that need to be considered. When you are doing your best to stay afloat, you don't want to be bothered with things like change. You just want to go to sleep at night.

There is a lot of singing ahead for me, so how could I be anything but happy! And it's GOOD music.

Okay, so now, I better get off the computer and get to the piano.

Tuesday

Christmas is getting so close. I am excited for time off!

On Saturday, my trip to New York started off rough, I'll be honest. I parked in the wrong parking lot when catching the bus, and found out just before we were about to load the bus that I'd probably be towed if I parked there. Merry Christmas to me, and how about some SIGNAGE, people????? Would it kill you to put something up? Well, I had been in the front of the line, but by the time I got back from moving the car, and running the quarter mile back to the bus (augghhhhh) with luggage, mind you, I was LAST. So I ended up next to a big guy with no concept of personal space. He kept elbowing me and resting his arm on me, and I DO NOT like to be touched. I hate it. It creeps me out. But I was next to the bathroom, which is convenient when you are a water guzzler.

It felt like an eternity til we got to NYC. My back was killing me, since I had spent the three hours twisted in knots trying to avoid being touched. And I was starving, but what is new. The problem is that the bus was late, and I had to get to the east side and up forty blocks, so food was my last priority. Well, I took a cab. I was in no mood for more mass transpo.

It was a great audition. I felt so good when I walked out, that I called Joe to tell him all about it and then promptly put on my earphones and started listening to Mariah Carey's FABULOUS rendition of "Joy to the World" on repeat while walking back downtown. It was SO fun! I had the best time and I felt so in the Christmas spirit-- Madison Avenue is beyond amazing this time of year. Sigh.

Going home was not as bad, having had a great audition and good feedback from the panel. It feels good to hear nice things! AND of course I had snacks. And a more considerate seat mate.

Now, I must focus on getting all my music learned for January.

Friday

The riffing is kind of hilarious, but these two still give me chills

Friday

Getting ready for New York tomorrow. My voice is feeling heavy and horrible, so I think I had better rest it today. I will try my hardest to avoid screaming at students, I mean.

I need water. Is anyone else beyond dehydrated?

My dress is good to go. My shoes are sexy. My face is for once not breaking out from stress. I am so spoiled-- I hate having to go to the East Side for auditions. But I will do it, yes I will!

My travel time will be a good opportunity to work on rhythms and memorizing French. And I am not ashamed to admit, I can't wait to have one whole day ALONE. By myself, with myself, eating whatever I want and all on my own time line. Except for the part where I try to sing so wonderfully that I meet and yes, exceed everyone on the panel's expectations and they fall all over themselves trying to talk me into working for them.

Tonight I think I will bake cookies and work on getting ornaments on the tree. I have to do these kinds of enormous projects incrementally. :)

Wednesday

It's so cold out that when I arrive at work after my morning commute (walking fourish blocks), I have tears running down my face, from the cold, of course. But it's embarrassing because I'm pretty sure people are wondering why I am such a basket case.

Even though I'm not actually crying at the moment, I am more affected by the death of Elizabeth Edwards than I thought I would be. What an unbelievable woman, who endured so much sadness. Her attitude was incredible, and she never seemed like a victim. I'll never forget the interviews she did last year with Oprah about her book and the situation with her husband John.

It's made me think a lot about dignity. I have spent a lot of time flailing around trying to make sense of life, although maybe not outwardly all the time, more, maybe, on the inside. No matter how much one tries not to let it show, and to keep a stiff upper lip, if the flailing is happening inside, something's bound to surface. Is it even possible to be a dignified emerging artist? I wonder this almost daily. We jump through this hoop and that, pay this person and that person, work at one horrific day job after the next in service of a feeling that we have something to share, something to offer, something to say. And I don't I really know why, except that if I stopped, I wouldn't be happy, and living in a regretful way is not great when you get to be 75 and look back and wonder what it was really all about.

Tuesday: I have to share

This blog post is fantastic!

Go to one of my favorite bloggers for a little perspective on a Tuesday morning!

Tuesday

This week is shaping up to be a little intense. I have to admit that this November and December, I haven't taken on a lot of the normal audition season madness, because I've had gigs. Which is WONDERFUL. Oh, and because I am poor. This weekend, however, I've got to go up to New York again. I'm equally excited and filled with dread. A day off? Anyone? please?

Last night I went over my audition arias-- which I'm sheepish to admit, I haven't sung through in a few weeks. They were great! Bless the muscle memory, oh my soul. So I'm feeling better than I thought I would about the audition.

It is time now, also for me to get to work in earnest to begin learning the new score I've received for the production I start rehearsals for in January...I am having trouble motivating myself, not because the music isn't fab, but because....well....Christmas is looming. Shopping needs to get done. The tree needs to be put up. I have cooking to do. I am pushing myself to get through the next week and a half of school, so much work to do til the end, lots of concerts to work (ugh)...but I have REALLY earned the break.

I haven't really seen my husband in several weeks, since we are both in "tis the season for insanity" mode, but maybe, just maybe, after all the musical drama, family drama, and work drama calms down, we'll get a moment. We were lamenting our plight just yesterday, and then I reminded myself that it will make us appreciate our time together that much more!

Monday music

you can thank me later.

Tuesday

Tuesday's child is full of grace.

Well, I'm trying to be, anyway, people.

Very excited to sing for a pretty major lady in less than two weeks... another trip to New York? Yes, please. Another excuse to wear my dress and sing? YES.

I suppose I have my arias kind of settled, but I tried out an old one that is feeling might fine these days, and somehow MUCH easier than the first time I performed it-- Mi tradi. And I think this particular lady might really like to hear that.

But then, I think you are always doing the wrong thing by singing something not terribly secure just because you think somebody would prefer it over the things you sing really well and can always count on. I think she would agree.

I always have to remind myself: I am the artist. They are the audience. I choose what I will share with them even in an audition.

This little reminder keeps me from worrying too much about how to please everyone. Because I've learned that the way to engage most people at least is to do what YOU want to do and fully commit to it with everything you have.

Sunday

I am not sorry to say I still get choked up over music. There is always a new, wonderful thing that surprises me, or an old familiar piece that reminds me of something that happened once.

Or else it is just so purely amazingly good that it squeezes the tears right out of your eyes.

Friday= Hafiz c. 1320-1389

Why Not Be Polite?


Everyone

Is God speaking.

Why not be polite and

Listen to

Him?


**I am stunned sometimes at how very relevant to my life poetry from the 14th century can be.**

Wednesday

Yesterday was a disaster. I'm not sure why except that lately, work has been very tough, and I am feeling particularly drained by it.

This always frustrates me, because I always try to remember that while I am committed to my work during the 8 hours a day I am there, singing is my focus, my purpose, my reason for needing a day job in the first place. Therefore, anything that puts me in a place that keeps me from being able to practice effectively is not okay. But I am decidedly, and almost detrimentally conscientious, and have a hard time just blowing something off that I feel I could help with at my job, so I've been coming home every day this week wanting to kill myself. I take on too much. That is my Achilles heel.

I wish I could say Thanksgiving break was looking like a relaxing time to recuperate, but family dramas continue, and it's looking like more of the same.

Last night, after work, I rushed to my hair appointment, which I usually really enjoy, but this time, I left looking like a drowned rat-- my bangs had been dried all wrong, and I was like "F**k it."

Joe was working late so I took myself out to dinner. And I had bread pudding for dessert.

And it was good.

Monday

I want a dining room table. But I am very picky about things like this, so it is kind of making my life hell because I do not have a good sense of perspective in life, obviously, because truly horrible things are happening all over the world.

I thought all hope was lost until yesterday picking up a catalog only to realize that my dream chairs do in fact exist, and in real leather, and at an affordable price. Now, to try to figure out a way to pay for it.

I shall need some more gigs. Like tomorrow. Anybody?

Also, I have just discovered that I am swell at a very hard aria I thought I could never sing, so it is bound to be a good day. Even though it is Monday, I had almost forgotten.

Friday

At lunch with Mr. S a couple of days ago, he made the observation that I haven't blogged about cooking in a while, so singing must be going well! It's hilarious, and sadly true. When I have finished a gig, all I can think that I would want to do is go home and make dinner, and have a glass of wine. During rehearsals there is no time for such things, and I end up eating a lot of crap I shouldn't, and begin to long for real home food like brisket and roasted chicken.

So last night, since there is a break in the action until I am feeling better and until, well, next week, I made fajitas and red rice and took a minute to rest. It was so great.

Joe teases me because I am usually not great at days off, and time with nothing to do. I can ALWAYS find something, and since my tolerance for TV is low, a couple hours is my max. I could always do laundry, bake something, learn a page here or there for the next singing gig, or look at new music for a recital or audition.

Even though I am under the weather, I still had a great high E flat last night, so I thought to myself...maybe it's time to look at Violetta?

YES, just yes.

Wednesday

Our performance at Merkin Hall last weekend was grueling but wonderful. It taught me a lot about myself as a performer.

It becomes clearer to me everyday that energy and focus and commitment can make a performance sparkle, even against the odds. With less than adequate rehearsal time, a barely tonal piece and little access to a piano (I am so spoiled at home, I realize) except for an hour each day at Nola, I was scared to death, but the performance turned out well. I was sure when I arrived in New York I had memorized carefully, each interval, and the feeling that each note had in my voice. For these kinds of works, it can be a scary situation, because I was almost totally leaning on muscle memory to find each pitch, with next to no help in the piano part. Then, I was suddenly onstage to rehearse and it was like my whole vocal center of gravity had shifted, and suddenly things weren't feeling the same. Joe told me that what I was singing was right, and I had to rely on him that everything would be okay. The lovely thing is that the audience would never know...but I would know, and the composer would know, and god knows I am good at beating myself up over these things.

There is so much to be said, however, for just willing it to be right, and giving it everything you vocally and dramatically.

Sunday

No explantion necessary:

Friday

We are off an running for a wild weekend of singing! I've noticed an interesting difference between my life and most other people's: they can't wait for Friday-- I can't wait for Monday! That's the night I finally get to have a drink and yell and scream and talk on the phone! Hurrah!

We haven't even carved our pumpkins yet which is depressing. Last year Joe did a lovely intricate one depicting a cat in a window. It was impressive to say the least, and even when we let it sit out on the stoop all night, no one vandalized it. You have to respect an amazing jack o' lantern, no matter what kind of a houligan you are.

Yesterday night, my mother asked me to meet her for a little shopping outing, and since I haven't seen her in a while and I am on schedule with my secco recits, I said, YES I need to shop, people.

Well, can I tell you I almost spent the rent on a VERY major bag that I saw last night. Sometimes it is good to shop with your mother, especially when she is a bit more frugal, because she will keep you from doing these kinds of things. But then that is also the bad thing, because I could have been walking down the street today carrying an incredibly sick handbag that I've *always* wanted.

It's better this way. It is technically more productive and respectable to squander one's money on application fees rather than purses.

But is it really? Excuse me while I log on to ebay...

Thursday

Last night's activities included an hour rehearsing the songs for the upcoming New York concert, after which I realized, oh man my voice is in shreds! Which I think is probably what extreme register shifts at forte every five beats will do to you. Then I went and made dinner (I highly recommend Cook's Illustrated's recipe for pan roasted potatoes, P.S.). Ahhhh cooking is relaxing and makes me feel so good.

Shreds or no, I still had a lot of recit to nail last night, and when by 9:30 I was starting to zone out, I thought to myself...self, let's go watch TV. Then, I decided to try going over everything before bed to see if it will cement itself in my mind while I'm sleeping. After looking at the same passages again this morning, I don't know if it worked. People say it does. Maybe I am doing it wrong.

Happy Thursday!

Wednesday

Live in rooms full of light. - Cornelius Celsus

Light exposes the true character of everything. - Ephesians 5:13

The windows of my soul I throw
Wide open to the sun. -John Greenleaf Whittier