Monday, July 21, 2008

I feel good I feel great I feel wonderful

It's Monday, people, and I am officially exhausted. What a weekend. I think the drama started with the world's longest and saddest funeral on Thursday. Friday night marked 3 months til the wedding, and we had a realllllly wonderful dinner, topped off by a Renee Zellweger sighting on the street in Harbor East. Saturday: long rehearsal, didn't feel great about my singing, and then was thrilled to discover that half the board members of the opera company had been there to observe the rehearsal. Sunday: cantoring at OSP (oh those Anglican chant psalms get me every time)and went to an audition (more about that later!), then came home and assembled wedding invitations for a few hours.

So, I am giving myself a voice day off.

One of the things that is feeling a bit difficult about rehearsals lately is that as hard as I try, I don't seem to be assimilating into the cast very well! I know that many of them have done lots of performing together, so that might be it. I'm wondering if it's me... Although, being assigned the job of writing down measurements for the costume lady the other day probably didn't help everyone feel a lot more comfortable around me. Oohhh talk about awkward. I am so nice, people!!! Don't you want to bond and go drinking together like you're supposed to in shows??? Well, at least I have T, whatever happens! My little Zita!

AS FOR the audition Sunday...well. I had trouble deciding whether or not to go, since after the hottest morning of my life in vestments at church, I didn't have an ounce of energy. I ate a grilled cheese for lunch and debated all the while. Checked email, sang through the aria, debating. Well, let's just go. And I did. I sang fine. That's usually not a problem, despite the mental torture I generally put myself through. No, singing is definitely not a weakness of mine compared to, apparently....DANCING. Which is odd, because it's not like I've never had to do a dance call before. And I'm a Latin dancing goddess. Well, kind of. But, what I'm trying to say here, people, is that I never thought I really sucked that much.

The choreographer wanted us to do this 36 count combo that was really just horrifically hard. With spins and leaps and things I just couldn't imagine being able to execute without having worked on it for weeks! I simply faked my way through it, smiling all the while, and as she added each new 8 counts of pure dread, I contemplated telling them "there is no way I can learn that in five minutes, I better sit this one out," or "okay, bye!" and walking out the door. But I figured quitting was the worst thing I could do. Wouldn't they want to see that I was at least willing to try? But it was just one hundred percent pure tragedy. I was SO embarrassed that when it was finally done, and after keeping my composure so beautifully for the longest ten minutes of my life, I simply took off my character shoes, picked up my bag, walked out the door, and, yes, I burst into tears.

I haven't cried after an audition in a very long time. I made it to the car, and made sure no one could see me before having my break down. But how very humiliating it all was.

Okay, well. Now I know. No more dance calls for me. Or at least until my post-traumatic stress has worn off.

2 comments:

NHB said...

You mean you have auditions where you don't come out shaking and wanting to cry? Lucky you ;)

Auditioning is often an emotional process, at least for me and I'm a sturdy bass with both feet on the ground!

I hope you feel better now. Well done for sticking to it till the end.

N.

Jessica said...

aww, N! Thanks!