This morning I woke up feeling like a loser.
I mean I really felt bad. I cried in the shower.
Am I wasting my life? How old am I now? What have I actually accomplished? Why do my hard work and conscientiousness seem to be most frequently repaid with bull sh**?
I think Joe was a little worried about me. But hopefully he's getting used to it. I have these moments on a quarterly basis.
And then, while kindly, patiently trying to talk me down from the ledge... he said something that finally made sense to my beleaguered mind--
"Jessica, saying you're a loser is actually what makes you a loser. You're a loser because you're saying you're a loser! Cut it out, no seriously, you have to get a hold of yourself!"
And he was right. In light of the real problems of the world, I was being completely ridiculous. It's true, I'm exhausted, and my usual fortitude is crumbling a bit in the face of my full time job, hours of High Holidays singing and church singing and an upcoming concert that I am scared to death I won't have a voice left for. I mean I am really terrified-- the people listening will know if I suck.
But it's not the slightest bit productive to be terrified. There's nothing I can do to change the circumstances surrounding this, but I can shut up and stop complaining, because it's certainly not helping me be fresh and fabulous for the concert. And it's SINGING, not fixing faulty heart valves and doing brain surgery. But it is my reputation. Every time I open my mouth to sing, especially with the caliber of singers in this event, I know I have a high standard to meet-- both my own, and the audience's. I'm opening myself up for all to see, and sometimes I worry that I am not strong enough inside to do it.
But I put my big girl panties on and did my make-up and put on clothes, albeit, not the hottest thing I have (something's got to give), and here I am. I'm alive and kicking, I'm not living in a box, although I think most of us music types are wondering if it's not just around the corner. But, how bad could life be if I bought a fabulous dress on Ebay yesterday for 25.00?? I mean really. Oh, and I am finally starting to notice muscles forming in my arms! The yoga is working! Wowie! Definition in my arms??? I never thought it possible!
Why did I write this moment of weakness on the internet for all to read? Where I can never take it back, never hide it, where it can never be permanently removed?
Because it is truly the way I felt and I'm fine with admitting that to you. Sometimes we are afraid to say that we are scared. But don't be. I'm right there with you. If you say it, you can own it, feel it, and move through it. You can be done, and then get right back up on your high horse and ride onto the next opportunity that's coming. And there is one coming.