Friday, May 03, 2013

On achievement

So okay, I get what all the fuss about taking the train is about...this is truly luxurious compared to a bus...sigh...loving life at the moment.  I bought a new song on I-tunes today, which I do periodically in an effort to stay sort of current...still have a long way to go...but hey.

I love this song, I've listened to it like 12 times already because it does all the things a good pop song should do.  It reminds you what it was like to be carefree.   What it was like when you didn't have to earn a living, be a good wife, when you cared less about achieving.  This song reminds me of the  summers at the barns at the 4-H fair, taking care of animals...when the most important thing I had to do was make feeding times, and in between it was a never-ending string of fun complete with events, concerts, crushes and falling madly in love with boys, every friend ever, so many pick up trucks, the music was always up loud in the barns, punctuated by soft serve and grilled cheese from the dairy bar.  I swear the best grilled cheese in the world was a dollar.  I want to be there again sometimes...  How weird would that be?? Would they all be there? The bull-rider I kind of dated, who was missing a finger from an event accident( would you believe he got a scholarship to a college in Wyoming for bull-riding? Now he is a bonafide blacksmith who shoes horses. awesome).  Yes. That happened.  So many characters.

Okay, let's reel this in.  Enough with the reminiscing.

It got me to thinking about how sometimes I feel self-righteous that I left. I went out into the world to  cultivate my talent and gosh darn it, DO something with my life.  I used to really feel better when I could say that and lift myself up in by making my journey *special* if only inside my head.  As opposed to lots of my friends who stayed and got married and had babies and kept getting up at four am to feed their animals like they always did and things.

Where did the need to achieve come from? And am I really doing anything?  Maybe? I don't know.  But it sure feels like I am running around a lot.

So I have to ask: who is Jessica without Jessica's story?  Who am I without the endless striving to achieve?  Is it even possible for me to completely forget about what I *should* be doing any more?

Can I sit with myself and be Jessica without trying to be a singer for five seconds?

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