Monday

I have been feeling lately like maybe I don't have anything interesting enough to say to put it on the internet. But hey. I'm here because I need to vent. Which is what blogging is really about after all, isn't it?

All through April and May I kept saying that if I could just make it to June, I would be okay. And now it seems like June is not turning out to be as fun and stress free as I had hoped! I think it has a lot to do with my annual summer broke-ness, and the fact that I am working on a show, and have a recital coming up in July, and...I'm getting my wisdom teeth out in July too, which I am dreading.

I'm knocking on wood, of course, while I type that I have never had a stitch or broken a bone, and getting a cavity filled or having blood taken can ruin an entire half a week for me. I'm the biggest sissy when it comes to pain and needles, so when they explained that I would have to have an IV for the anesthesia, well, it just totally freaked me out. I know, get over it, Jessica. Please.

When you have the money you don't have the time, and when you have the time you don't have the money is how the story goes, I'm afraid, to hang out with friends and go for drinks and do all the lovely things you want to do in summer.

We are heading into tech week for Don Carlo, and I had a horrific rehearsal last night. I sang my bit at the beginning of a three hour rehearsal-- it was good, even great, by my own standards. Then, I sat for three hours in freezing air-conditioning with no where to warm up again, and had to sing it at the very end. Let's just say it totally sucked ass. I was horrified at what was coming out of my mouth. The whole cast of principals, and a full chorus were there with nothing to do but sit and listen to me singularly ruin my reputation with a two page vocal blow-out of epic proportions. Did it matter that I had sung it perfectly, even fabulously three hours before? Not to me. I was mortified. I grabbed my bag, tried to avoid eye-contact, and ran out the door, and into the car where I promptly burst into tears. It had been a long day, I was angry, embarrassed, and I was DONE. I haven't cried over singing in a while, so I suppose I was about due. Nothing like driving on the capital beltway while sobbing uncontrollably.

Okay, so the circumstances weren't great, and no one is at their best after sitting in AC for three hours cold. And as Joe reminded me, everybody has a bad day, or a bad two pages, or whatever, every so often. Well, for some reason I just have this big problem with that. When I listen to other singers, I am so much kinder to them than I ever would be to myself. Maybe they are allowed to have a bad rehearsal, but I just do not want that to happen to me. The humiliation is just too much.

One of my Deepak Chopra tweets yesterday was about being vulnerable, and how the greatest things come out of openness and vulnerability, and that until we can be in that state, good energy cannot really flow through us. Well, I am not sure what happened last night, but I certainly felt vulnerable. I think there must be a lesson in this somewhere.