Friday, April 19, 2013

I disappeared.

Hello friends!

I've been away for a while, and there are so many things to say!

Those of you who know me well know that sometimes I just have to withdraw a bit and be with myself to get through things that are happening-- I am starting to think that I may be an introvert, although I obviously love socializing!

After being on board a flight with hundreds of sick people, arriving over three hours late, at around 3 in the morning, being awakened mid-rem cycle at my hotel by a wrong number call, I became terribly ill the morning of the competition for which I had travelled to compete in my last post.  I also received a very disturbing and emotional message via facebook, despite my best attempts to stay away from the dramas.  I sang very disappointingly, and was absolutely one hundred percent humiliated.  I was by myself, away from all my loved ones, a crying, ridiculous mess, feeling very embarrassed that I had wasted so much money and let so many people down including myself and my wonderful host family and teacher.  It was just bad. And I was sick, and I felt hopeless and like the world's biggest failure.  After all, if I can't pull it off in touch situations like that one, how could I ever have a real career???

So here I was, stuck in FL, where it's oddly freezing and all palm trees and strip malls.  I was desperate to get back to someplace familiar.  I decided to drive to my grandmother's house three hours across Florida.  My mom was there visiting my grandmother in an odd stroke of luck, and they gave me tea and helped me heal a little bit.  They also took me shopping, which I have discovered always helps.  I think I spent something like $83.00 at Target on nail polish and shoes.  Worth every penny, and since it was too cold to go to the pool...

I got back and the very next day was hit with a question from a colleague about a production that threw me a bit...and at a time when my emotional and physical resources were at an all time low.  When I returned to work the next week, it was the busiest time of the year, and that was a very difficult week to get through.  Conflict at every turn.  I was starting to feel like I was beating my head against a wall, and like nothing good could possibly happen.  The weirdest thing was that I could hear myself thinking these negative thoughts and I knew they were pointless and not helping in the least.  I wanted to stop, but I felt like I just couldn't lift the fog myself.

So I just decided to keep doing the next thing.  Prepare the solo for church.  Work on the pieces for this or that concert that I had coming up.  I tried to stop thinking about "my career," and just learn my music.

To be continued.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I started reading your blog, and as a young singer I appreciate how honest you are about the ups and downs. I've been on a down too lately, nothing to do but keep taking steps hoping they are forward. Good thoughts and wishes to you!