Embracing it

I wanted so much to have good news to tell this morning.  But the truth is, I didn't get the role.  They said it was because of my availability.  But whatever the reason, it is so difficult to hear "We picked someone else."

It never gets easier.

So, this is all I can do:

I've missed you!

Hello, blog.

I've been away for several weeks-- not as a planned thing, really, but just because I didn't feel inspired to write.  None of you want me to just write bullhockey that I don't care about, so I thought it would be best to just take a break!

I went to the beach with good friends, family, had a great Fourth of July, caught a cold, consequently had a singing disaster, got better, got a call, and all of a sudden tonight I've got a last minute audition for a role I really want.  Life is so exciting-- the only thing you know for sure is that everything is changing all the time.  Out with the old, in with the new.  Regeneration station!

At the moment it is darned hot here in Charm City!  I love auditioning, as you well know, and I'm so THERE tonight, but it does seem a little bit wrong that anyone should be asked to do anything other than sit by a pool when the weather is like 104 or something.

I spoke with my teacher last night in preparation for the audition-- for which they asked me to learn some substantial excerpts, in about 24 hours.  Major lesson learned from this?

If you believe you will sing a role, it is really right for you, LEARN THE WHOLE THING!!! Then you're ready when they call!

Words for Monday

Summer style for divas and divos

Weak in the knees, yes I am!  Light gray with blue looks so fresh and cooling...guys, you'll make 'em swoon with this combo.  The Suit can be found for a great price here!

I am loving this affordable, body-conscious, summery, yet appropriate dress from ASOS-- it would be gorgeous with a fabulous, colorful, huge necklace, like this one from Baublebar.

The  truth is, of course, I could never afford this stunning dress from Lela Rose, but it's serious inspiration, no?

This airy confection would be splendid with a metallic belt and some chandelier earrings... 

I am loving this one too- worn by one of my favorite fashion bloggers at Pink Peonies!  The dress is available here for a song! 

Can we all please agree that a light linen suit on a gent is ridiculously elegant.  This picture is from MenStyleFashion blog, which is chock full of great ideas and inspiration.  Also, this gorgeous light natural linen suit at Macy's is on sale and totally dreamy. 

June is bustin' out all over!

I'm closer than ever before to getting the chance to sing one of my dream roles...callback next week.  It's a good day!

The other thing is that I'm wearing really brightly colored trousers today.  If you see me on the street, you just may have to put the sunglasses on.

Besides the callback, there is so much happening that feels really important next week.  Send me your good vibes!!!!!!!

For Monday

Opera's youngest super-bloggers

I think it's high time I call your attention to some blogs that have impressed me lately.  But then, you probably already know about Opera Teen and Il Dolce Suono and OperaRox! because, people, they're all over the interwebs, getting shout-outs from greats like Joyce DiDonato, publishing insightful reviews of productions they see, engaging in intelligent twitter convos with opera singers all over the globe (and if you're on Twitter, you know how truly rare that can be), and generally amping up the visibility among the younger crowd and creating a buzz for our fabulous art form.

You've heard me talk about OperaRox! before, since it's the brain child of my friend Kim, who is also an editor of the online opera magazine Opera21. She does weekly livestreams of operas and chats with people all over the world about the production.  She's a lovely mezzo as well, and I know she's going to do great things...wait...she already has!

I love Il Dolce Suono's hilarious anecdotes and conversational tone-- she also has an awesome video on the blog right now of the fabulous Ferrucio Furlanetto singing King Phillip's aria from Don Carlo (aka best opera ever)...watch it.

Opera Teen is getting a lot of attention these days for his operatic romps, read an article about him here on Operavore : "An Opera Teen Builds an Internet Fan Base" and indeed he has.  His Twitter feed is fun to follow, he reviews and writes articles on opera for The Huffington Post, he's been to LaScala (sigh!) and he's a regular at the Met.

This is the new guard of the opera-obsessed, giving me hope that, contrary to concerns of many in our field-- WE WILL HAVE AN AUDIENCE 20 YEARS!!! We will!

I am revived when I read these blogs!  The spirit and enthusiasm and fabulous videos they're posting-- love it.  It reminds me of why we're doing this-- opera is irresistibly fabulous, compelling, and actually kind of addictive-- we have to share the gospel of this super-human genre.  It's larger than life, and intimate at the same time.

Wednesday

Yesterday's audition was, well...a bit lackluster.  The circumstances probably didn't help, but to quote a friend, in this case I did not "set the world alight."  Nothing particularly bad about it, just not fabulous.

That being said, every time I have an audition, I feel like I learn something new about myself and my voice, which is one of the reasons I feel I enjoy auditioning so much.  It's really a rush.

On the way home a new and particularly stressful flavor of family drama began, with texts, calls, and eventually a total come-to-jesus with my mom.  Part of it went down while sitting at the pool (I'd gone straight there after my audition), which really made it only slightly better, and in some ways more stressful because I was staring down at my partially naked body in a swimsuit the whole time.  Add to that the fact that Joe keeps buying bags of chips and bringing them to the pool.  I can say with certainty I have no ability to control myself in the presence of potato chips, especially the kind pictured to the left.  They are the single most wonderful and most hated food in my life.  If and when I evolve into an all-powerful deity, the first thing I will do is create potato chips with no calories or cholesterol or anything.

I really should have been practicing, but after dinner, Joe and I decided to go out to thrift stores and find more fabulous artwork for our walls.  We were wholly unsuccessful, but we did end up with some watermelon and cantelope which I am hoping can now take the place of chips at pool-time.  Well...nothing could ever take the place of chips...but, you know what I mean.

Ahh life.  What a series of ups and downs it is.  But in the summer time and at Christmas it is really great.  And lots of times in between.

Tuesday

Weekend recap

It was a seamless and stress-free trip to NYC, and even more enjoyable because I am reading a fabulous book entitled Devil in the White City by Erik Larson.  It was recommended by friends who promised me it would be a page turner and indeed it is! 

I worked on some rep for an audition as well as my new bel canto stuff with my teacher and coach.  I had hoped to fit in a wonderfully cheap New York pedicure at my favorite place, Serenity Nails in Midtown, but there was no time!  My coach went over a bit with me (Lucky me!) and I had to high-tail it down town to catch the bus.  I did have just enough time to pick up two dark chocolate mousse-filled Ritter Sport bars on my way...mmm.  What a treat. 

The plan for yesterday after church was to spend the afternoon at the pool and then attend the concert, but I was feeling a bit under the weather, so it ended up being a very low key afternoon, especially since it rained!  So I made good use of the time by making bread and yogurt for the week.  I don't do very well with downtime...I have no idea what to do with myself.  I need to get help for that. :)

I've got that audition tomorrow!  Micaela, here I come.  Wish me luck!

Weekend

I am grateful because my week has included a lot of good things.  My weekend will be awesome too, because I get to sing.

Tomorrow, I'm going to New York (lookout Megabus) for a lesson and coaching, and it is my pianist's birthday, so I will be bringing him some treats, or else getting him a Wendy's gift certificate, either one. It's a hilarious quirk, but he LOVES Wendy's, of all things!  He is the one who saved me before my last audition by running out to get me copies of my piece!

Tuesday, I've got an audition which has required some brushing up of some old rep.  I'm intrigued by, and shall we say nervously excited, about this particular audition as the concept is interesting and requires movement and dance.  Ahem.  And now you understand my concern.  At any rate, I'll go in there and give it all I've got.  As long time readers of this blog have observed, I definitely know how to dance it out...it's just that I'm not sure if my kind of dancing it out is the kind they want. :)

In these kinds of uncertain audition situations (and let's face it-- most are uncertain in some way! Anything can happen...), I just try to focus on giving a consistent and compelling vocal performance and keeping a very open mind and heart.

I'm the only person I can control.

In other news I'm excited to hear some Bach and Handel at this concert on Sunday, and have some guacamole after at Blue Agave.  It's funny, I have to keep reminding Joe that there are other foods and cocktails in the world in the summer besides guacamole and margaritas.  We eat out on our own really only once a week, and I have to say lately nine times out of ten it has been guac and margs!  But the fact is I love when you can walk everywhere, and living in our neighborhood, we can walk to the mexican place.  I am reminding Joe we can also walk to the pizza place, the thai place, the japanese, the  pub...oh well!  He is very cute about it.   And anyway, it is summer.

My food for thought this weekend:

It is not my job to school others and force them to think rightly, or to change their ways.  As a friend I must offer my support, and build them up, remind them of their inherent fabulousness, and  always be the ear for whatever is happening in their lives.  I must try never to make them feel less than, or that their feelings are wrong or unimportant.  Only when they ask for my advice will I give it.  Who am I to say, when I am still walking up and down the streets everyday with questions in my heart, my mind every minute.  I want to be a safe place for each and every person I know.  I have been teasingly referred to as "The Feelings Police," a title I am kind of flattered by because I hope people feel: Your heart is safe with me.

We have not just ended up with what we have.  At least as far as adulthood is concerned, our choices have brought it to us.  We can delight in the good we have manifested and ponder the bad, but it all comes back to us: we are the manifestors.  

The universal law of cause and effect is happening all around me, and I have to make sure I am causing the good and effecting happiness.  

The Ten Commandments of Summer for Young Singers

Inspired by this adorbs post from a gal whose style I adore, I thought we needed a version for the classical singing types out there...

1. Thou shalt love the lord thy voice teacher with all thy heart and soul and mind.
And of course by that I mean, don't let what's shiny and new and super complimentary at your summer program entice you away from the person who has been slogging along day in and day out, working slow-but-sure wonders with your singing, taking your frantic competition panic calls, giving you the same advice over and over again that you never listen to, replying to your endless stream of emails, telling you you can do it, and generally building you up.  Don't get poached.  Just don't.  Two voice lessons at a program do not a long-term strategy make.  Change voice teachers every five minutes and you will be a mess.

2. Thou shalt not compare thyself to other singers who are older, and more experienced.
You will feel bad all the time.  Be inspired by them, because they are making it happen, but don't be a victim and let their level of accomplishment get you down.

3. Thou shalt not condescend and give advice to singers who look up to you, just because you are older and more experienced.
They have people who they are paying to work on things with them.  Don't step in with your extensive knowledge of the repertoire and confuse them by saying who they sound like, that they are really a tenor, that they should be singing Handel instead, you know...yes, you know exactly what I mean.  What all the older singers did to you that made you feel weird and like you have no idea what direction your life is headed.  Be the supportive, uplifting person that makes them feel good about who they are NOW.

4. Thou shalt NOT over-sing in Death-by-Aria the first night of the festival.  

It's a classic mistake.  Be the one who doesn't have to prove how loud they are.  And then you will have a voice the next day when it is time for the really important stuff.  What a concept.

5. Thou shalt absolutely use the summer to grow vocally even if you don't go to a program. 
Listen to Lucia all the way through.  Listen to something wild you would never normally want to listen to, like for me, that would include one of the Glass operas.  Learn a role.  Set up coachings with someone you have never worked with but have always wanted to.  Take your audition arias to an acting coach.

6. Thou shalt not feel bad about thyself if you choose not to go and pay $4000+ this summer for a program. 

The truth is, when you think about how long it takes a person like us to make that amount of money...it had better be one heck of an experience.  So embrace your choice not to do it.  You are being prudent, and start a little savings account for your audition trips in the fall.

7. Thou shalt give a recital for free just to be nice. 
Get together with some friends and sing your audition arias, some new song repertoire, etc. for your church or a retirement community.  It's a great way to try out new stuff.  These kinds of things have certainly been invaluable for me in making discoveries about what is right and wrong for me to sing.

8. Thou shalt organize an aria club and call it Fight Club to be cool.
So, aria club could meet once a month, everyone kicks in for a pianist.  Every second month, you have to sing something brand new.  Sounds like good motivation to me!

9. Thou shalt attend an outdoor performance! 

10.  Thou shalt not forget to have fun. 
Remember how living life makes us better singers?  It does.  For heavens sake go to the beach or the pool or something and enjoy yourself.  Make dinner for friends. Be fabulous!

The past and the present

This weekend I was lucky enough to have an extra day off so that I could drive out to Pittsburgh for some time with family.  First of all, I have to say my new free Iphone made the trip more fun, as I was able to have all my fabulous tunes coming right through the stereo of my car!  I listened to Bach, Bellini, Handel, Beyonce, Fleet Foxes, soooo much music.  It was great.   There was a ton of traffic on the Turnpike, and when I stopped for gas, it was like the wild wild west at the filling stations, let me tell you.  I totally lost my cool with a lady who was beeping at me to hurry while I was trying to get gas, and I yelled.  But hey, it was a real Jessica moment, what can I say.  And let me tell you, everyone in the gas station heard.  :) Yikes.

I've said it many times here, I love being with my family, because I laugh and laugh and laugh.  I have a hilarious bunch of relatives, and laughter is the strongest medicine there is.  For my cousins and I, its a time of change and transition, marriage, family, babies, moving, and so there were a lot of tears this time too.  I was reminded that rejection and feeling like a loser doesn't just happen to opera singers... it's the way people our age tend to feel in general!  Whether we are attorneys, surgeons, dentists, singers or whatever.  We are all afraid that some part of our plan is going to fall through, and that we are going to let our parents, friends, spouses, and ourselves down.  We are afraid that we aren't good enough, and that everything we've accomplished up until now is all just a very lucky coincidence.  Also, it is very difficult to get a job in the current climate, even for those who thought their degree would provide them with a sure thing.  So we spent some much needed time commiserating, and lots of old stuff comes up, and the emotions you feel can be so intense. There were tears too, but it was a very healing and cathartic weekend.  When you are healing from a tough year, it is important to be with people who understand you from A-Z, who have seen the evolution of who you are and know the very unique nature of your challenges as only family can. 

It is true that our past does not define us, and that moving forward, we make choices everyday that can either reshape our lives, or keep us in the destructive pattern.  But what has happened is impossible to forget, and it will come back sometimes unbidden, and affect the present in ways we never could have imagined.  I am still trying to figure out how I can plan for those moments and keep them from affecting my performances.  As Leontyne Price said, "I would never let anything keep me from giving my very best performance for the audience." And lord knows she had some challenges!  But she kept it from getting to her in such a way that she was always in top form when she needed to be.  

I am working on this. 

Because today is my Friday!

It is a happy day.  I have lots of things planned for this weekend, and because I need some emotional recharging, it will be some time with the fam in Pittsburgh, and hopefully it will not be terrible weather and we can celebrate the first weekend of the pool being open AT the pool.

Tonight there is a work event.  But I've painted my nails and done up my do, and will help to send the graduates off in style.

After we will meet up with friends to toast to the weekend of fun.

My yogurt and bread turned out amazing!  Not that you care...

And so did my practice session, although since my little break, my stamina is not what it was!  It is truly crazy how quickly you can lose ground.  We gotta keep moving forward!

Happy Memorial Day weekend, everyone!

Jess

Wednesday

This is a kind of a boring post, but I'm having the best day.

I've got some new things to practice for, and some new things to practice for those things!.  Super great.

Tonight, I've got it all planned out:

1. Practice
2. Make pork loin with asparagus (come on over!)
3. Make bread
4. Make greek yogurt

I know it sounds weird.  But it is a great night for me of creating things.

Edible things.

Tuesday

When you tough it out, hold the line, and stay the course, Jessica, I promise you there will soon come a day when you look back over your shoulder, shake your head in dismay, and seriously wonder what all the fuss was about. 

Just like all the other times,    The Universe

Monday

This week

It started off a little sad, with the close of a show that had a quite a story, a lot of emotion, and a very close cast.  It was hard to say goodbye to that.  I was experiencing some of the typical post-show ennui.  I didn't feel like singing, and I told myself, "Self, no problem.  Don't practice again til you feel like you want to. It's called taking a break." And guess what.  By Wednesday I was practicing again...as the days pass...I'm starting to get my mojo back, I have to admit.  I am back to being totally obsessed.  Obsessed with singing, singers, opera, song...all of it.

This week's posts included:

- A poem on Wednesday called Opening Night

- yesterday's self-motivational post called Coaching Team You.  It was by far the most popular this week.

Tonight Joe and I are off to Lyric Opera Baltimore's Rigoletto-- one of my very favorites.  I'll be on pins and needles all through "Caro nome." Otherwise known as the best aria ever!  We will be fuleing up first with margaritas and guacamole.  And between now and then, of course, I'll have to figure out what spectacular outfit to wear... I'm going back stage after...maybe I'll get to meet Bryan Hymel!

Coaching Team You

I love watching the ESPN show Hard Knocks, which follows one NFL team a year through their pre-season training camp.  Its a grueling process, and many players are disappointed when they just can't be explosive or consistent enough to compete with other stars on the team.  Dozens of players are eliminated throughout the course of camp, and in the end, usually one is chosen for each open position.  It's a fascinating thing to watch, and feels oddly familiar for a person like me who has chosen a path with a similarly competitive atmosphere.  I hate to say it, but I think even sopranos have it easier than some of these players...

What the NFL does have built into their system that we do not (besides the obvious billions of dollars), however, is constant encouragement, ass-kicking, support, and camaraderie.  There are coaches with each guy before every play, in your ear, reminding you what to do, how to do it, helping you to keep your focus, telling you you CAN.  I've often said to Joe-- "God, can you imagine if there was someone who would do that for us that we didn't have to pay?"  How much more fabulous would I be every time I auditioned, performed, opened my mouth!  If I could afford it, you better believe I'd have a person who loves my voice standing next to me telling me how freaking fabulous I was up until the moment I stepped into the audition room! 

Okay, ultimately, we're all on Team Opera, but rarely do you walk in the door for rehearsal and feel the single-minded focus that seems to be present in a football locker room.  We're all thinking about our own voices, mostly, right?  How it feels today, what's happening in there, whether I know my words, who my character is-- it ceases at some point to be a team sport, even though it probably shouldn't.  Not up until a work is performance-ready do any of us really become able to focus on the piece as a whole and telling a larger story.  We have to focus on getting our own stuff right. 

In the absence of a team of coaches standing on the side-lines yelling instructions(or heck, even one would do), whose sole job is to be sure I perform in that moment the very best I can, I've got to be my own teacher, coach, cheerleader, therapist.  In the face of rejection and negativity, and the constant newsreel about our "dying art," how do we wade through all of it and become the kind of singer we can get behind?  

If I know I've done the work, had the right attitude, put in the time, and I'm there for the right reason (MUSIC, hello), I have no reason not to believe I'm great.  No reason not to be one hundred percent in favor of me. No reason not to say myself in lieu of anyone else being there to do it: GO get em.  You are fabulous.  You love this, you work hard at this.  Show them what you're made of.

Let's win one for Team You.

Wednesday

Opening night

Into the size and shape of answers that

I’ll never have

I plunge

I ask the question and live in the realm

Of wondering

Everyday

Where is she

Who the world tosses up on shore

and harshly polishes with all the

moments come and gone

an entire night that lasted only seconds

gulfs waded through

cliffs over the side of which she may have

stupidly looked down

catching herself

When roughly chipped or thrown and landed

Then, all of the sandpaper words

And the mail still comes

Or maybe doesn’t

She waits

But I will always wait

It goes in waves, first a shell,

broken through raw and soft,

Then perhaps a scab forms

But 

Always battered, with fractures

though never quite cracked through

Still

love and hate and such sadness

surge ever closer to the surface

Tonight I bring it all to you