Thursday

Okay, I can't believe I waited this long to take a yoga class!!! People, it was so hard at some points that I thought I was going to puke, but when it was done I felt amazing. The next day I woke up feeling like I'd been at the beach all week. And sore. But very relaxed.

You've heard me rant about how much I hate working out, and sadly, that hasn't changed. But when I thought about what I hate so much about it, it became clear why I liked yoga so much.

I don't know anyone. I don't have to chat. There is no blaring music. I am not running. There is no small talk to make. You can hear birds chirping because the windows are open. It is about self-acceptance instead of self-criticism.

Maybe it is a little weird how much I just want to be alone a lot of the time. But I also think that it may give me additional ability to really be with my friends when I choose to spend time with them. Like maybe the time I spend alone is time to get rid of all that white noise we have in our heads, and create space to focus on the people in our lives when the time comes to do that.

Being in a room full of people at a yoga class was a lot like being alone. I think I might be addicted.

Tuesday: Attention Soprani

I have ranted many a time on this self-same blog about predatory sopranos. I have prayed for serenity in times of soprano attack. I have constantly reviewed my own behavior in the hope that I will never give in to acting like this myself.

So, I submit to you: Today's Soprano Mantra: "Let me be self-aware. And let me not be a bitch."

And then IMMEDIATELY read this brilliant and hilarious article written by my fabulous friend: Soprano vs. Soprano

Monday

There's been a lot of excitement this weekend, what with the big horse race, and the rapture, and book club and all. I was kind of hoping there'd be better follow-up reporting with the guy who said the lord was coming back Saturday evening, but it seems he isn't taking anyone's calls. Or maybe, he really was raptured.

Well, going to the Preakness for me is almost as good as going to heaven. There is food, hats, drinks, horses, a lot of hot outfits, some minor celebrities, and best of all, most of the men actually dress up too! It's lovely to see the guys get spruced up. Joe had the most lovely seer-sucker suit, and I was proud to be seen with him.

I was sad to say goodbye to the book we read! The 1000 Autumns of Jacob de Zoet is by David Mitchell, and really a great read. I have the weirdest feelings of sadness and grief when I am done a great book. It has, however, amped up my life-long wish to go to Japan. I reallllllyyy want to now.

I haven't got a lot to say. I'm boring, people. I wonder if my self-enforced week of detox (from alcohol and sugary food) and yoga will give me a lot of material to write about. I'm sure by Wednesday or Thursday, I will be back to my old mantra: Life is short, go crazy.

At any rate, it will be a long week.

Wednesday

Today, we all need to listen to some Mahler. He died 100 years ago today. Plus, the weather is so Mahlerish.

I'm starting with the first symphony. He is a guy I wish I had taken a class about in grad school. I did Wagner, Mozart, blah, blah, blah...but Mahler. I think we would understand each other very well. Since I have always felt that bigger is better.

It just is, okay?

Sunday

Well, it turns out that being a little poor (too poor, that is, to risk putting my wallet in the imminent danger we call a great many shoes I want at the mall) is very productive for me. Not only does it force me to stay home and do things one must do, like laundry, but it offers just the right amount of boredom to get me to do projects that would seem otherwise ridiculous.

Like making bagels.

After church today, I was braindead, as per usual, feeling rather like maybe I hadn't sounded so good. I was cranky about it. So we ate left-over chicken enchiladas for lunch and I read for awhile. Then I got bored and went flipping through my collection of internet downloaded recipes, and came across an easy recipe for bagels. Talk about a cheap hobby. Bread-baking is just a cheap enough hobby (cost: flour, yeast) to make me forget momentarily how completely maddening it can be.

But low and behold, this was really not too maddening at all and these bagels are a revelation. It was easy and they are good, and they are smaller than the ones you buy, so it doesn't feel like you just ate a hockey puck.

Now, can someone please tell me who thought of BOILING bread dough in the first place? It seems like maybe it was an accidental discovery. So whenever I am too cash poor to go buy a bag (mostly because I have been having way too much fun going out with friends), I suppose making bagels would be a good and industrious thing to do. Joe will be thrilled.

Which is something else I should probably be concerned about. Am I treating my husband TOO well? I hope he doesn't get used to this. :)

Oh, and Here's the recipe!!!

WOW!

My little blog-let was named in the 50 Best Blogs for Opera Students!!!

Well, it's not a Pulitzer, but I'm certainly honored!

Wednesday

I'm working on a very challenging new aria. It's hard, don't get me wrong, but most of it is working it's way right into my throat. EXCEPT: There are about two measures that are giving me a hernia-- a very fierce coloratura passage, naturally. My facility has really improved in that way lately, and my very high extension is stronger than it has been in ten years, but this one section....sigh. And as we all know, even if you can sing the whole rest of the thing, not being able to do two crucial measures well can ruin the whole aria.

So my question is this: with something like coloratura (that honestly is not as natural to me as I would like it to be), can practicing the passage hundreds of times mean that eventually it WILL sound natural and gorgeous? Or is what I have always kind of suspected true: if it doesn't work within the first ten times you try to sing it, it's probably not the right aria for you?

Hmmm.

Tuesday

I Got Kin



Plant

So that your own heart

Will grow.


Love

So God will think,


"Ahhhhhh,

I got kin in that body!

I should start inviting that soul over

For coffee and

Rolls."


Sing

Because this is a food

Our starving world

Needs.


Laugh

Because that is the purest

Sound.


--Hafiz

trans. Daniel Ladinsky

Monday

Going to Washington DC is always a delightful challenge for those of used to cities whose streets are laid out in a way that makes even the slightest bit of sense. Then you have to wonder about where you are supposed to park when there are no parking garages in sight and pedestrians keep walking out in the middle of the road. Also, there are entire sections of town that have a stop sign every block and when you are in a hurry to get to your audition, it can be challenging. Because, inevitably, you are behind a person in an ancient truck whose motor is barely still working and it takes about 12 minutes for the car to restart itself after stopping at the stop signs every block.

So it is a blessed discovery to make when you call and find out that the audition venue actually has a parking lot.

By this time, you have practically killed several pedestrians, given yourself an aneurysm (extra points for correct spelling), nearly wrecked your car, and dodged a speeding ticket.

It has already been a long morning.

Did I mention I got up at 6:30 am?

So you run in, change into the dress you spent the better part of an hour ironing the night before (when you should have been sleeping), run up the stairs to the warm up room, sing through those few measures that always feel sluggish or insecure, fill out your paper, run back down, try to catch your breath for five seconds, and then: YOU'RE ON.

Ready, set, sing.

Then, you thank the panel, the pianist, and the good lord for letting you make it there on time.

You change back to your civvies, get in your car, exit the parking lot and promptly get horribly lost again, making it home just in time to remember that there is a street fair in your neighborhood and you're going to have to circle for about 20 minutes before you find a place to park.

But all is not lost, because you have gotten home before your voice student arrives.

So I teach awhile and then remember that my in-laws are in town for Mother's Day and they're here to spend time with me!

The door opens, and they arrive with, oddly enough, a cake in the shape of a lamb. Someone please correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure Easter was two weeks ago. We cut and eat the cake, starting with the haunches. I field questions about why I didn't cut it's head first. Then I realize that the cake probably actually is two weeks old, and a bit past it's prime. So we are sitting there eating old cake, looking at the leftover head and shoulders of a lamb.

Then three-thirty rolls around and it is high time we went out for dinner.

By 5, we've eaten dinner and are ready for bed.

For once, I am just exhausted enough for this time table to have made a lot of sense.

Thursday : Top 5 MOST Annoying Things That Could Possibly Happen to an Opera Singer

I would like to submit to you: a list.

Top 5 MOST Annoying Things That Could Possibly Happen to an Opera Singer

1. Any unsolicited criticism ("helpful hint" or "tip" or "comment") of my singing preceded by the phrase "I've never had any formal vocal training, but I was in choir in high school, and I really think..."
I don't try to give you tips about how to be a better lawyer, doctor, or whatever. Don't coach me on singing, peeps.

2. Being compared to Josh Groban.

3. Being in a show with those colleagues who are otherwise lovely, but never seem to have been informed of or have conveniently decided to ignore the rule about it not being their place to offer advice about how to be a more fabulous actor (like them), have a better sound in your high and/or low range (like them), how to support and project more efficiently (like them), what rep you should really be singing, or what voice teacher would be right for you rather than the one with whom you are currently studying.

4. Working with a person that makes excuses for themselves.
Just stop. Close your mouth, and then figure out how to fix it. We do know how hard it is to be a good singer, and actor, and watch the conductor at the same time. Sometimes its nearly impossible. But it is so frustrating when people do not take responsibility, because there is nothing anyone can do to help if no one will admit something is their fault.

5. Having to remind people to pay us.
No, a fairy did not come to me in a dream and tap me on the head with a wand, and *poof* I was a fantastic singer. No, I do not just do this because it is fun. Even though sometimes it is fun. However, it becomes significantly UN-fun when I have to beg for my money. Again, you would never do that to your lawyer, doctor, or whatever. Don't do it to singers. We have degrees too, and have actually worked our a**es off, and continue to work them off in order to develop the kind of technique that allows us to sing the ridiculous cover of the pop song you want for your daughter's wedding while maintaining a modicum of human dignity.

Monday

On a small placard (ironically) over my kitchen sink:

"All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen."

Thursday

Okay. Not so much. No pedicure fun. I think I am going to have to stop making plans for a while. Things keep happening to subvert them.

Wednesday

Someone asked me again yesterday when I was planning to have a baby. I always feel like I have to defend myself and my reasoning for not having any inclination to do so whatsoever. It is an icky feeling.

And in order to defend against all icky feelings, one must arm themselves with very high notes, very sexy chest voice singing, and gorgeous hands and feet. Which is exactly why I am finally getting a pedi tonight. It looks like it might just be sandal weather, and I'd rather not put people off their feed by showcasing my current toe situation to all the world.

There are just certain things, I find, that people expect you to do, as a woman. I think I have done a pretty good job of conforming to most of them. For a long time, I felt like I needed to conform to be "right." But as I got older, and by the time I got married, for sure, I had switched pretty much completely over to doing things because they felt like the "right thing to do" for ME. I am reminded every time someone asks me an uncomfortable question, that I have to work even harder at not allowing the judge inside myself to turn on when people decide to try doing something a little differently than everyone else. I've always had a strong set of values when it comes to what I believe is right and wrong, but things like having a baby, who you love, getting married/not getting married, etc. definitely don't fall into the "right and wrong" category. Things that do: RSVPing, being nice, putting others before yourself, returning calls, honesty, showing up, and loyalty.

Also, singing in tune.

Friday

I've been saying for a couple weeks now that I need to go to a sweat lodge and be cleansed by a shaman or something after a year of a lot of weird stuff happening. The experiences are forcing me, however, to really think about what I'm supposed to be learning from all this.

Passover and Holy Week come at a good time for a little healthy commiserating. It's lovely to have an excuse sometimes to just grieve a little. I don't know about you, but I've been using up about 75% of my energy just trying to have a good attitude and proceed with life as usual.

Not that I can really identify in any real way with what it might be like to be enslaved for 400 years or to be ridiculed, beaten, and crucified, but wouldn't it just suck if our religions tried to pretend nothing bad ever happens?

So I am going to let the whole sense of Good Friday sink in a little. It's gray outside and it seems right.

It's kind of nice to know, though, and remember that the whole point is, both stories turn out really well in the end.

Wednesday, part 2

Here might I stay and sing,
No story so divine;
Never was love, dear King!
Never was grief like Thine.
This is my Friend, in Whose sweet praise
I all my days could gladly spend.

Wednesday

Hello! This is the first time in years I believe I have been relatively coherent and free of colossal fear and dread this time during Holy Week. Since I now sing for the kind of church that has weekly services, but does not make a big deal over things like Christmas or Easter, I'm kind of feeling light as a feather. I have some extra things for Passover, which will be lovely for the wallet, but I am not ready to kill myself with insane busyness like I was last year. It's the little things in life.

Monday

What a wonderful weekend I have had, interrupted only momentarily by the obtuseness of a certain someone with an opinion: "You know, I've never had any formal vocal training, but I was in high school choir, and I think you need to watch your .... when you sing. I find that sopranos especially do this a lot. But that's the only thing wrong with your singing that I can see."

I said "Thank you for letting me know. I will be careful about that in the future," with a stone cold face and sashayed away. It was pretty clear I wasn't pleased, but in a court of law...

Oh say can you see...all the people who think they know something because they were in choir in high school. And then, of course, I spent the better part of the drive home from church (that was the scene of the crime) thinking of much better come backs.

In other news, I attended a show of the national tour of West Side Story, and I am sorry to say the singing was perfectly abysmal. The dancing was great, though, and some of the acting quite fabulous. I am actually pretty mortified that people get hired and sing like that, but then, in some ways, it was rather validating. The fact is, it's really kind of almost impossible to be a really successful triple threat. It takes all the time one has in a day just to learn how to sing beautifully, and kind of act at the same time-- it is truly the work of a lifetime to hone a fantastic vocal technique. Add dancing in there, and something's going to suffer.

In the meantime, I will be working very hard at not paying it forward with the rude comments-- but I do think I am smart enough to know better than to criticize others at what they do for a living and have masters degrees in.

Well, it's Monday, and this time last week, I was hyperventilating at my desk, so today is already better.

Love to all!!!

Saturday

There's a terrible storm and we were watching Hannibal... I thought I would be okay, but my extreme sensitivity to human suffering kicked in and I promptly freaked out.

Good audition today. My voice was working, and despite looking like a drowned rat from the downpour, I think I made out okay.

I have come to terms with the fact that I will never finish Hannibal. Although I love the soundtrack...beauteous. And now it is bed-time.

Friday

Oh wow. Last night was tres fun.

I have been listening to all sorts of soprani singing my "Qui la voce," and I'm feeling like Caballe is probably my favorite, but it's frustrating because you have to buy the whole ALBUM on i-tunes if you want the track. So, I've purchased a Joan Sutherland version that is rather dreamy. My one problem with Dame Joan is that when I listen to her too much I find myself beginning to shift over to that long-ago expunged way of singing that sounds like I have a mouthful of marbles. So I shall listen to it only three or four hundred times instead of every second.

Thursday

While familial disturbances press and I worry about Joe having another problem, I have decided that it is about time I just go out to dinner with Stu. So that is what I am doing tonight, and then, meeting up for drinks at the grand old owl right after.

That being said, prior to partying, I will be opening up a can of whoop ass on some I Puritani-- my new aria is "Qui la voce," and I'm pretty pumped. It is such a pleasure to practice new things, and sometimes even things you didn't think you'd ever feel quite comfortable singing that are now suddenly feeling just right.

All will be well. In any case, we have to just get on with it.

Tuesday

I am back on the wagon of fabulous. Now, if only I had the cash to go shopping.

I should rather like an entire new spring wardrobe, and to lose 40 pounds. But I love eating and hate going to the gym, so I don't see it happening.

Along those same lines, I am diving back into my Sibelius songs, because I refuse to continue living life without them. They are divinity. Now, for someone who can speak danish or swedish whatever the actual language they are happens to be. They just don't teach you Nordic tongues in school for singing, so I'm going to need a lot of help.

Once again, I can drink, I can do things. But what I really need to get on is: MY TAXES. The bane of my existence.

Monday

The saddest day in the world is a Monday after a weekend of performances when you have to put on your clothes and go back to work and to life as usual. You miss your cast, you miss the audience...the fun and excitement and adrenaline.

Luckily for me, it is a beautiful day, and besides mourning the loss of my show (although I consider it a great success), I cannot be sad because it is just so lovely.

I am facing a little bit of a break in my schedule, besides the usual auditions and things, and it is both terrifying and thrilling all at once. There's that recital I've been wanting to have time to do for the past two years, there's all those other things...I'm dying to learn a few new arias for the audition list.

Happy Monday!

Sunday

Arise, shine, for thy light is come.

-- Isaiah

Friday

It's opening night, and I am feeling good. Putting the sad things behind and moving forward. It has been horrible to have to sound good during the last few weeks, but a the same time, kind of my saving grace to have something else to focus on for a few hours a day!

I am looking at a bit of a dry spell for singing after this weekend, except for my weekly gigs, but I think it will be a great opportunity to learn a new aria and start putting together the ever-elusive recital program. And you never know what can happen.

Tuesday

It's taking all my energy to appear composed and with it, cheerful and kind. After two weeks, my poor Joe is still suffering. I really miss seeing him smiling and happy. It is hard to see him not.

Tomorrow, he is having another thing done over at the hospital, the timing of which coordinates just perfectly with my last dress rehearsal before this weekend's performances. I am starting to think that I will look back on this month as one of my hardest ever, even in the context of this year in general, which has brought so many challenges, and really hasn't been what you would call stellar.

It's funny how some of my most exciting professional moments this year, however, have happened to be right in the middle of a couple of my worst times personally. It leaves me wondering what the Universe is trying to tell me... and what I would have sounded like had I not been so sad/mad/disappointed inside. Probably way better. Or maybe not.

My grandmother is fond of telling me that good comes out of everything. I really do believe that. But in this case, and according to Sally: "The only really good thing that will come out of this is that you know you can live through it."

Monday

I am having an existential blogging crisis. I don't know if it is really working for me any more. I find that all the things I really need to talk about, I can't stand the thought of putting online, and the kind of detail I really need to go into is just so potentially damaging that I don't know how to reconcile it.

I always have this sense that there are a lot of people I could offend or betray, or that the deepest worries of my soul will just sound like whining, because, after all these years, it is a mite repetitive.

In other very non-specific news, I am having a lovely time with my current show. The other singers are truly talented people with great voices, and it's a fab cast. We are having such an intense experience because the rehearsal time has been very compact. My dress is tonight, and in all honesty, I'm a little worried about my voice making it, after all the rehearsal in the past few days.

But I have a great costume, and I'm going to just go out there and make it happen, however I have to. We must be fabulous or die.

Friday

Joey is having surgery today. I am so happy for him, because he will feel so much better afterward, but I am a little scared.

It has been quite a week. Send us your good energy.

Wednesday

What insanity has taken over my life! It is as thought the gods are trying to sabotage any attempt I make at being well-prepared for rehearsals to begin with my latest gig.

I got on a trial last week at jury duty and that was an experience, to say the least. Very disruptive to my finely-tuned schedule, but I'm glad I had the opportunity to do it. I actually felt like I was doing something to give back, in some small way.

I burned my eye-- you've already heard about this.

And then, this week, my poor Joe is very ill and we've been in the emergency room twice. He is going to be okay, thank god, but it really made me think about what really matters to me. Being with him when we was in bad shape reminded me how much the other stuff really is not worth worrying about. Last night while he was in percocet la-la land, I had a chance to spend some quality time memorizing. And I drank a glass of wine.

Friday

I was selected for a jury! How crazy is that? It was a grueling, but fascinating experience, and I am so glad I did it.

In other news, I have a lot to catch up on. And I need to whip up some Donizetti for an upcoming audition. When was the last time I talked about Donizetti? Yeah...exactly. Better get on that.

Monday again!

Well, my cousin is here, and I can abolustely say with certainty that jury duty tomorrow is going to be lively after two martinis and a half a bottle of F. Coppola S.B.

Oh no. I cannot believe the United States would call me even though they know for sure I am too naive looking to be chosen for a jury.

Monday

Oh my god. I took my first nap in two months yesterday. It was phenomenal. Feeling so great today. That being said, I realize I have a lot of work to do on memorizing the next thing for me. Good thing I have jury duty tomorrow and can sit and memorize for hours. I always secretly hope that I will get chosen for a jury, but I never am, and have it on good authority that I never will be. One of the delightful ladies in my synagogue choir is an assistant states attorney and mentioned that I wouldn't be chosen because I am "too naive looking." So there goes my little Law and Order fantasy. But I wish they would mark that on my record somewhere, and take me off the list so that I didn't have to keep going every single year, even though I have no possibility of being picked. I do have to say, I am not sad about the prospect of just sitting, however.

Tonight, I am so lucky to have my cousin's husband in town for an interview, and I get to cook a dinner and things! I think we are going to have chicken piccata and a salad and couscous. Hurrah for domesticity.

Friday, part the second

I just had the best time singing. Sometimes everything comes together and just reminds you why music is worth it...why we are willing to work every single day of the week, for pay or for free.  Money is so secondary.  I hate that I need to have it at all. 

Friday

Never mix up the containers on your bathroom counter. You will burn your eye with hydrogen peroxide solution like I did yesterday morning. Not one of my finer moments, and I had to walk around the whole day looking like a vampire. And I had to call in sick to work because of the excruciating pain. But I went to the audition I had scheduled. Red eye of death and all. I was pretty proud of my sheer will to persevere, although, I probably put the panel off their feed for the rest of the day, with my scariness. I really should have rescheduled. At any rate, tonight is another concert, and the eye is healing nicely. By this evening, I should look like a human being again.

Tomorrow, I had hoped to a little chance to sleep in, but I've got a staging rehearsal at 10 am, and teaching at 12:30. And after THAT I will learn my anthem for church and then drink myself into oblivion.

Or something like that. Probably not oblivion. Maybe a couple glasses.

Tuesday

I'm having one of those days when I am pretty sure I am forgetting things. Like a lot of of things.

My car is fixed now, thank god. I will actually be able to go places. Now, if I could just find time to fit in a shopping trip...hmmm maybe in early April.

Excuse me, but it's now time for me to go live and breathe Micaela, the role that absolutely highlights any trouble we lyric sopranos might have in the passagio. When I am fresh, it's easy as pie, if I apply lots of energy and all my focus. When I'm tired, as I was last night, it can be a real trial to stay resonant and in tune. It's funny when it finally dawns on you that you can't do the thing where you use your youth as an excuse...that a little shakiness here or there, lack of focus in the tone, pitchiness, is no longer really something you can get away with. It's my job to sing it right and make it look easy, to put the audience at ease, so that they can enjoy what Bizet wrote. A person like Micaela should make them feel sorry for her, but not because she is having trouble with the B natural.

Saturday

I have not run that fast in platform pumps in a long time. I make it a point not to run. And when one is wearing heels, one expects door to door service and limos and butlers and things like that.

So, I get up at seven. I drink copious amounts of coffee, I shower, I begin to shellac my face with all manner of expensive potions until I am starting to look like a human woman. I eat some cereal, I curl my hair. I go downstairs so as not to disturb my neighbors (even though they are constantly disturbing me, but I am nicer)to warm up. I then drink a glass of water with lemon because I am hella phlegmy, and by this time it is time to pour myself into some control-top hose and put on my dress.

By ten-fifteen I was looking good, feeling good, shellacked within an inch of my life, and I got my binder and left for my audition.

Well, wouldn't you know it, my brand new car chose that moment not to start. Like not even a whiff of a start. Like the battery was dead and the thing wouldn't turn over. I panicked. I called Joe, I called Bo, I called the artistic director's office, but of course he wasn't there because he was listening to other people's auditions. And then, the brilliant idea of a cab came to mind. I could take a cab!

So that is why I had to run, because when you have been preparing for an audition, you want to go to it, and you don't want the people to think you just blew them off, when you clearly are nearly killing yourself to get there. I had to run two blocks in those god damn heels to get to a street where the cabs were more plentiful. When I got in the cab, I practically kissed the driver, and wanted to cut my feet off because they were killing me after having only worn the shoes for a total of like fifteen minutes that day. Can anyone please back me up about how annoying it is that cab drivers in Baltimore never know where any destination is. They don't even know where St. Paul intersects, well...any number of roads. You have to explain to them exactly where everything is, which I was much too stressed to do, and we missed it by like an entire ten blocks or something. So when I finally arrived, the girl just before me was singing, and it was time for me to go in. I didn't know what was going to come out of my mouth. I out of breath and a little bit worried.

But it was GOOD. What came out was GOOOOOODDD. I can't believe it.

After I sang and DIDN'T suck, I bashfully admitted to the AD of the company that I had left a pretty wacko message on his phone about twenty minutes ago when I was practically hitch-hiking to the audition.

"Just ignore it," I giggled.

When what I actually meant was, hey bitches! I just rocked the house after running two blocks in heels wearing a jewel tone dress and enough make-up on to make a tranny blush!

Just another weird ass day in the life of an opera singer.

And, I did find a legging supplier closer to home. It's a very good day.

Friday

Okay, well, its Friday and I am officially a memorizing fiend. I am the person you see walking down the street that you may have mistaken for a crazy person because she was singing to herself and crazily walking in rhythm with the song. But it works, so who cares.

In other riveting news, I have a legging shortage. When I realized that two pair had holes the other day, it was pretty good timing, really. The only place I buy leggings, you see, is this very specific Fashion Bug (some of you are cringing, and I don't blame you, really)in Lancaster, PA. They have the best leggings in the world. I don't really know why. But they are just really comfortable and great. Since my teacher's studio is near there and I was on my way to my voice lesson that evening, it seemed like I'd be able to stock up. Well, when I got there, parked my car next to a horse and buggy, and got up to the door, the golden Fashion Bug of Lancaster was closed.

Which means that now, I am going to need to spend the weekend doing a tour of Maryland Fashion bugs til I can find a place that has them, and then buy all of them. Because they are even out of stock online!

Let this be a lesson to you. Buy all the leggings you can get your hands on. You'll be glad you did.

Tuesday

A couple of great things happened yesterday. It snowed. I got a new Ina Garten cookbook.

And then I wonder why I'm feeling chubby...maybe its because all I think about is the next thing I'm going to get to cook or sing. And at least one of those things can really pack on the pounds.

Monday

Well, I am in utter disbelief that according to most, we are getting snow again. I am also in utter disbelief that I have to be at work when the rest of the world has today off.

I am happy to report that the first rehearsals of the contemporary piece I am toiling over went well. What a relief to have those first rehearsals behind me, the most nerve-wracking week ever! This week, I will have to really focus on Carmen. I tried to protect my schedule this week to be sure there was plenty of time for solidifying things. Practicing on lunch breaks is not as productive as I would like it to be. I feel like I've barely warmed up before I have to be back at work. Even those days when I put in what feels like hours of work on a piece, and leave it feeling like I've accomplished nothing with a capital N, I am happy to discover that hard work never goes unrewarded. Sometimes, I've found, you walk away feeling like a loser, and open the score up the next day and realize you actually HAVE learned the part you thought you couldn't get.

We are getting to that part of the year when I start to covet new clothes. New bags, new flats. And god knows my leggings are all running ragged. I'll be needing a couple new pairs of those too. Also, I am discontented with my hair. Isn't it too long? The color is boring. All I really want is to look like Kim Kardashian. Is that too much to ask, people?

Friday

"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."

Maya Angelou

Wednesday

Guys! I am still alive after my weird study/focus experience last night. It turns out it was actually really fun because I ended up seeing someone I knew, and then I got cut from the study and still got paid! But the decor really freaked me out at first.

Tonight, VOICE LESSON!!! YAY!!! I need it so badly after my flu situation. Tune up time.

Tuesday night

I'm at the study and the office is painted the most unbelievable shade of yellow.  And not in a good way.  It is like being in the twilight zone and I'm freaked out. It also smells funny.  I hope my teacher knows what I am willing to endure to pay for voice lessons.

Tuesday

My methods of learning music are expanding by the day. It's becoming even easier to learn those weird intervals, now that I have my fabulous piano app on my phone and and play the passage and record it, and then listen to it ninety times, or as long as it take me to get it into my head. SO much more efficient than rewinding recordings hundreds of times. I know it sounds silly, but it also helps to just carry a score around with me wherever I go. That way, if it is in my hand and I have a few minutes, I can speak the French to myself, making use of whatever extra time I have that I would normally be texting my friends or playing tetris or some other thing I really should not be doing. Also, I fancy that maybe it will seep into my brain magically through osmosis.

Valentines Day is one of those days that people in relationships marginally enjoy, although it seems to come with a lot of expectations that can sometimes make even those in relationships feel shitty, and people who are single tend to feel really bad about. The problem is that I think that maybe, the holiday is supposed to actually be about all forms of love and not just the romantic kind. Sadly, it's not marketed that way, and lots of people feel horribly left out when they shouldn't. My V-day was really lovely, but I am always sensitive to the fact that it feels like a kind of unfair day to a lot of people. One of the reasons I loved yesterday so much, is that after about ten days, it was the first time my voice felt back to normal.

Tonight, I am doing something truly weird-- participating in a focus group! when I heard that I could make a couple hundred bucks for two hours of my time, my first instinct was "Sign me up!" I mean, that will pay for my voice lesson and a therapy session! Then I started to think...oh man. What if it involves painful medical procedures or me being forced to reveal embarrassing details about my life? So, I asked a lot of questions, believe you me. And now that I have been satisfied that it isn't going to be like that, and it is just going to be talking in a group with a "professional moderator," I can go, do my duty, take the money, and run.

Just another exciting chapter in the riveting saga I call my life.

Monday, for V-Day

Love. This song is absolutely over-flowing with it. Both the composition itself, and the interpretation.

Sunday

Yay! I realize this does not make for riveting reading...but it feels good to know I know this music better than I thought and that finallllllyyyy I am starting to get it.  Also, it would suck to get fired :)

Sorry, I had to share.  Good coachings are cause for celebrations, I think.  Pop that bottle of Cristal.

Saturday

Today was too fun. It felt great to sing again...after a week.  Then a birthday party with lots of little kids and some great adults too.  Kids have such an amazing way of reminding me to just cut the crap.  What am I bitching about that is really that important?  Seriously.

Oh, and two year olds are even more delightful when there is wine!

Happy weekend!

Friday

Back in the saddle again?

Kind of?

The flu will knock you out, people. Do not get it. And, let me just say that getting the shot didn't really seem to help me. Which is a rip off, because, despite the fact that it cost me nothing financially, emotionally...well. I am such a horrible baby that I have to psych myself up for hours to get an injection.

At any rate, the phlegm is my last remaining problem, and my gig tomorrow morning will be interesting. But this is what we pay the teachers to teach us...how to sing in adverse circumstances. How to rely fully on what we know about singing, versus how it sounds coming out-- one of the most challenging things for me, and a skill that comes in handy not just when you're sick, but in situations with bad acoustics. Takes me back to an audition in the fall that I did...not my proudest moment. In a church that was literally, and I kid you NOT, carpeted from floor to ceiling. It had to have been intentional on the part of the auditors, because it certainly did separate the men from the boys. And when I say that, I mean, it wedded me out, that's for sure. I was vocally tired from several days of rehearsing, had just sung at church, and when I opened my mouth to sing and heard nothing come back to me...oh my...I was thrown. Even in my second piece, I barely recovered.

So tomorrow, I'll put myself to the test again, still suffering PTSD from church last week when my vocal cords felt like they were flapping in the wind.

Here goes nothing.

Monday

Well, the plague has been fun. Actually, no, it hasn't. And yesterday's experience with singing on swollen vocal cords...well, I wouldn't recommend it. It felt like trying to walk with a broken leg. Everything was all floppy in there, and I couldn't get the cords to approximate and well, anything in the passaggio sounded much like a dying animal. Luckily, the first reader was very supportive, and I think it might not have been as bad to them as it sounded in my head. Maybe? Because to me, it just sounded like I was doing damage. So today, I will be quiet and continue the salt water gargling. I think nothing is as harmful to singing as coughing-- and when you are coughing and can't sleep-- it's a recipe for disaster. That codeine I had left over from my wisdom teeth debacle came in very handy last night when the robitussin didn't stop the coughing.

But enough of that.

I watched something yesterday that was amazing-- Maya Angelou's Master Class on the Oprah network. She is incredible. If only there was a way I could have a recording of that on loop in a set of earphones that were glued to my head. I think I would be a much better, more grounded person.

Saturday

Ughhhh. I had better be over this cough before tomorrow when I need to sing so that eventually I can get paid.

Friday

Singers are headcases in every sense of the word. Self-doubt, fear of failure, hypochondria, type A perfectionism (I don't know, correct me if I'm wrong, but this is mostly a soprano thing), and oh my god, do I see a lot of ENVY. I can't believe I'm saying this, but at my ripe old age I think I am FINALLY learning not to compare my career path to other people's, but it is hard. My husband is a brilliant pianist who just won a fantastic grant from the government to further his career. I love him, I live with him, I know him. He DESERVES it. He works harder than any other pianist I know. But did I have just the tiniest tinge of wondering what is wrong with my singing that no one is handing me money to help me promote myself? I have to admit I did. I've talked before, actually nagged, before about the girls I can't stand, the ones that grill me about everything I am doing, but not because they are concerned about me. Instead, I always get the sense that they are thinking "Well, if she could get a role with that, then I FOR SURE could."

The other thing I have to say before I go on is that I love singers. They are way more fun than regular people. When you have gone to singing school, you go out into the real world and think to yourself, good god these people are not exactly a laugh riot. Compared to us, they have absolutely zero personality. The problem with that is that the rest of the world finds us supremely annoying. And so freaking LOUD.

But come on, people. Ladies, gentlemen, gentlemen that wish they were ladies...etc. Can we please stop it with the whole thing where we try to make each other feel about one inch tall. Can we stop with the barbed suggestions such as "You should definitely apply for this competition-- I think you might have a good chance-- it's really small-- not many people were there last year." I mean, is that supposed to make me feel like you are trying to be helpful? I actually had someone say something like that to me recently. The sad part for me is that I always think of awesome retorts several hours AFTER the fact. Now, that isn't to say the whole system seems kind of designed to to make us suspicious of each other, envious, and critical.

On that note, and because I have probably already pissed a lot of people off, I will go on. I think it's time we stop assuming that we deserve to win competitions or get roles every time we audition for something. No, the fact that you didn't win doesn't really mean that the competition was rigged. Maybe it was, but you are not doing yourself any favors going around telling people that. Have I done it myself in a moment of weakness, or after I have been horrifically demoralized when yet another 19 year old tenor wins and I cried the whole 2.5 hours home? You better believe it. But I really do know better. I know in my heart that he probably deserved to win too. And god bless all the things I have won in the past when I may or may not have deserved them. God bless all the people I somehow convinced to pick me! So, good for the 19 year old tenor singing Don Jose. He must have struck a chord with somebody.

Okay. And now, that I have gone there, I will return to my regularly scheduled positive and uplifting bitching about my life. Happy weekend!

Thursday

Off to rehearsal! Nervous...none of the notes quite make sense yet.

Wish me luck :)

Tuesday

Wow. Intense weekend, intense yesterday, but when I got home...chicken fajitas and beer.

It's scary how much better a little thing like that can make you feel.

I have my first coaching Thursday night for a role that I am creating in a new opera! I'm nervous. It's much more artistically fulfilling, in some ways, than being the one millionth person to sing Mimi or Micaela, because I am blazing a totally new trail. Making this crazy biatch Ekaterina into whoever I think she should be... And then there is the part where the music is incredibly tricky and there is no recording to get ideas from, and help with musical cues. BUT the thing I love about this kind of a role is that the notes themselves are such a task to learn, that once you've got them, the role is pretty much memorized. It's exciting, and the music is very good.

Today, I slid to work in my cute new rubber boots, and I feel pretty glad to be alive. Could've broken my neck, actually. So it's already a fabulous day.

Thursday

It couldn't have come at a better time. I LOVE snowstorms. Because there is no school today, I am checking email from home and teaching my stalwart Thursday private lesson student because she is unafraid of snow!

This morning I made biscuits and sausage gravy and watched old episodes of Parks and Recreation and laughed a lot. I have a much more ready giggle when I have the day off. :)

Other projects today include making focaccia, practicing, doing crafts, drinking, and watching Sex and the City intermittently with Anne of Green Gables so that I can be totally morally, socially, and historically confused. It would also be an excellent day for shopping, but I am broke. It's so depressing that at my age that still happens, but hey. I am technically supposed to be studying a great deal of music, and so I will try to be good with that too. But in any case, I intend to take advantage of today altogether.

Tuesday, part the second

Do you ever look down at your hands and think, good God, I haven't had a proper manicure since 1992. I could wrap my cuticles around my wrists. And then I think, what am I coming to? What has the world come to. I used to be so delightfully high-maintenance and "fancy." As the song says. I don't even have fake blonde hair any more, I don't eat lean cuisines at every meal, and I don't burn myself to a crisp on tanning beds or slather in smelly fake tanner! I must be letting myself go.

These are such random thoughts. I often wonder why I am writing them down for all the ether to read. But then I think, why the hell not.

After dealing with major dramas, sometimes you need to focus on insignificant minutia. And go home and make jambalaya and drink shiraz with it.

Tuesday

When you are eating your english muffin and drinking your coffee, the day somehow looks so much brighter than when you get to your office and the phone is ringing off the hook and everyone has a problem. Probably because I was watching the Piers Morgan interview with Oprah (I DVR'd it! Best invention EVER) this morning over breakfast. Everyone has such strong opinions about Oprah, I know. But I happen to think she is really swell and inspiring.

So, he asks her: "What is your brand?"
She says: "My brand is love."

And while part of my brain wants to snicker, in my current jaded state of mind, the other part is like YES. YES. My brand is love.

I want my brand to be love.

And of course, a very fierce singing voice.

Friday

Didn't sleep last night, not really. Hoping to look outside and see snow. Somehow snow is so soothing.

But today is so much quieter and I am feeling like I can cope! :) Also, I discovered last night after a great practice session that assured me that voce divina did not go AWOL, since for a few frantic days there it was almost like I could FEEL it shriveling up inside my throat.

Which of course makes no sense at all. I am a crazy person.

Tuesday

First day of school. DYING. So much to do. Methinks it is time for my Malbec IV. Can I get a drip going?

And my voice? I have no idea where it is or how I am planning on getting it back today...all I can think about is it going away and never coming back.

Thursday

Knee deep in Micaela and Messiah, of all things, and a new piece by a great new composer. Fun, fun, fun. Also, I'm looking for a "fast and furious" audition piece to add to all of my other arias which fit into the categories "dying of consumption and love-lorn," "scared of wolves in the forest and love-lorn,"and "silly and crazed." I think I may have found one...

Wednesday

I am hereby declaring today Hug a Cat Day. In honor of one very special cat named Gally, who we lost last night.

If I were to begin to rhapsodize about cats, and to tell you everything I think and believe about them, you would all get together and commit me to an asylum. However, sufficed to say: I would have done very well in ancient Egypt where they were considered deities.

Here are a few of my favorite pictures of my own sweet children, Pete and Mimi. It seems whenever anything is the matter with me, they are the first to know, and come, purring, to my rescue.

Monday

Another week is beginning. And I can't believe I am as optimistic as I am! I think it had a lot to do with all the fun I had this weekend with lots of great people and some fantastic music at a friend's wedding.

No one could deny that I have some really remarkably skilled singers as friends, and this weekend I feel like I had the chance to really revel in their fabulousness. I love singing with talented people-- one of the major reasons why opera is such a rush in the first place! All of that balls-to-the-wall wailing really turns me on...ooh ahh.

I felt great about my own collaboration with Joe and it seemed well-received. I guess, to sum it up, it was just one of those experiences that reminds one why we chose singing in the first place: Because, despite the stress of preparing a performance to suit my rather high standards for my self, it is so damn fun, and I absolutely love it.

Thursday

Yesterday I was sure I had pneumonia, because, well, it hurt to breathe. And then I realized it was just my first day back to work.

Sigh.

However, I still have all of this phlegm swirling around in there that is really scaring me especially since I have quite the singing extravaganza this weekend...yesterday, while rehearsing, I broke into a spasm of coughing. Never my favorite thing to have happen, since, basically, I freak out that it could happen in the performance.

Then I think, well, what is the worst thing that could come of it? I would stop, take a sip of water, and start over. No one would die, no one would go to jail. It's not really that big of deal...right?

Wednesday

News Flash:

I got the Pioneer Woman Cookbook for Christmas, after being obsessed with her fabulous website for a long time.

So far I've made two of the recipes from the book (although I have cooked many from the website) and they both turned out smashingly. EVERYTHING she makes is home food-- nothing hoity-toity. Which, I maintain, is usually the way to go around our house. If I'm in the mood for a fancy meal, I'll probably go to a fancy restaurant where a well-trained chef can make it for me.

But, in a rare moment of non-singing bloggery, cook something off this website and you will be glad you did. Among my favorites include the unreal steak salad with fried onions, the mozzerella sticks, the sherried tomato soup, pasta with pancetta and leeks, the pot roast, a fabulous pots de creme and next on my list is her cajun chicken pasta!

Run, don't walk!

Tuesday

I just got back with having drinks with Miss Bohemus...as Pierce used to say. Wow did we have a great time.

Oh my, all our friends are having babies... and twins, yet. It is so perplexing. And yet, I suppose, if I were having a baby in general, I would choose to have twins because it is more efficient.

I don't know. I would miss wine and coffee a great deal.

And sharing Joe with anyone, even a seven pound child, would not be my idea of fun.

But I do love babies. And I make an excellent Auntie/Godmother. I am great at present-giving and holding/calming/diaper-changing/baby-sitting.

I have heard others say that it is vital to have children because you need someone to take care of you when you are old. This is sensible, really. But I suspect that something beyond sense is important when making these types of decisions. You need to WANT to do it. I'm not there yet. Maybe someday I will be.

Monday

Today is the day I get down to real brass tacks with this music.

It is also the day I make a pot roast with carrots and potatoes.

AND this morning, when I was supposed to be dropping things off at Goodwill, I went in, and found a fabulous picture, that just needs a litle paint on the frame. So I went to Walmart (yes, Walmart) and bought paint and now I have a fun craft project.

Oh there are so many potential distractions when one is off from work.

Lovely.

2010...

I really love those New Year's Eve year in review things. They always make me well up.

Here is my top ten of 2010:

* Two years of marriage: successful, blissful, lucky as hell.

* My New York debut at Merkin Hall: if you don't count my hundreds of millions of auditions. Thank god this was a paying gig!

* Seeing my mother happy in a relationship.

* My first and last Met National Council Auditions...

* The first full year I have ever been able to say that I really trust my voice, technique, and my point of view as an artist. Here's to confidence. Most of the time. Finally.

* Survived endless turmoil at my day job, lived to tell about it. Notable battle scars include a very expensive bill for a mammogram and ultrasound, after doctor found a little lump. This further proves my view that stress absolutely kills and will manifest itself in your body if you don't find a way to get rid of it. Was it worth it? absolutely not. And things are going to change. They have to!

* This was the year of fabulous, fun weddings. In my family, and with my friends. Not to say that there weren't some great ones last year, or the year before, but four in one year has got to be a record for us. Nothing says glamorously trashed like a family wedding. And nothing soothes the soul like a little tradition and some hopeful sentimentalism.

* Cooked a successful holiday meal...if you don't count the fire alarm going off about eight times because of some burning olive oil.

* Realized that nothing could possibly ever be as important as people and that being compassionate and kind is the best thing I could ever do to influence life on this planet. Realizing that I have nothing to prove to anyone, and that "standing up for yourself" isn't always the most important thing in personal relationships.

* A tweet from Deepak Chopra changed my life this year: It said that in the end, everyone is just doing the best they can. We all want to be happy, we all want to feel secure and loved. Boy did that make me look at folks differently, those few times, of course, that I could get over myself for five seconds.

Some how I now know that we are all going to be okay. Life is fun, and horrible all at the same time, fun, horrible, fun, horrible...over and over again. But it always turns out okay in the end. I can say this first hand, because after the semester from hell...I was rewarded with one of the best Christmases I've had in a LONG time! It's the yin and yang, ebb and flow that makes it interesting and keeps us on our toes. What I am SO lucky to have is friends, and a mom and aunts and sisters and cousins. I am so grateful to the people who seem to want to be in my life, for whatever reason. I can be a handful. I am well aware. They are people who have gone to lunch with me when I am no fun at all to be around (and even paid sometimes!), taken my calls, texted me, commented on my blogs, said nice things on my facebook wall, come to my performances, come to my parties, sent me cards, brought me wine, brought me soup, told me when I was acting like a jerk, told me when I was doing a good job, recommended me for gigs, listened to me endlessly complain when they know as well as I do that I have so much to be thankful for and that I should just shut up. It's because of them, really, that I have maintained having a husband and have not driven him batty, because I had other people to spread the love to.

Happy New Year! May you all have more gigs than you can possibly take, bring every audience to tears, and drink lots of wine in the coming year. Love.

Wednesday

Well, we did Christmas. We are about to do New Year's. And so far, despite the momentary family drama I am currently enduring in the midwest, it seems to have honestly been one of the best holiday seasons I have ever had. I honestly have rarely felt so happy, stress-free, and generally with-it for a Christmas. So it was good. And to tell you the truth, I think it had a lot to do with my friends.

I got everything I wanted, except, of course for the ever-elusive diamond bracelet. Because I would be mad at Joe anyway if he ever spent that much money, but someday maybe I can buy it for myself. Or we could go dutch.

Now, I have about one million pages of music staring me right in the face. I need to learn it. And I need to learn it immediately.

Today, I have a plan for memorizing, and hopefully can follow through with it like a good girl.

While I have mixed feeling about the idea of New Year's resolutions, I decided about a month ago to work toward making some significant changes in my life, to work toward making it really look like I want it to look. I can't settle for things, I have to work for what I want. It's easy to forget when you're having a lovely Christmas that there are things that need to be considered. When you are doing your best to stay afloat, you don't want to be bothered with things like change. You just want to go to sleep at night.

There is a lot of singing ahead for me, so how could I be anything but happy! And it's GOOD music.

Okay, so now, I better get off the computer and get to the piano.

Tuesday

Christmas is getting so close. I am excited for time off!

On Saturday, my trip to New York started off rough, I'll be honest. I parked in the wrong parking lot when catching the bus, and found out just before we were about to load the bus that I'd probably be towed if I parked there. Merry Christmas to me, and how about some SIGNAGE, people????? Would it kill you to put something up? Well, I had been in the front of the line, but by the time I got back from moving the car, and running the quarter mile back to the bus (augghhhhh) with luggage, mind you, I was LAST. So I ended up next to a big guy with no concept of personal space. He kept elbowing me and resting his arm on me, and I DO NOT like to be touched. I hate it. It creeps me out. But I was next to the bathroom, which is convenient when you are a water guzzler.

It felt like an eternity til we got to NYC. My back was killing me, since I had spent the three hours twisted in knots trying to avoid being touched. And I was starving, but what is new. The problem is that the bus was late, and I had to get to the east side and up forty blocks, so food was my last priority. Well, I took a cab. I was in no mood for more mass transpo.

It was a great audition. I felt so good when I walked out, that I called Joe to tell him all about it and then promptly put on my earphones and started listening to Mariah Carey's FABULOUS rendition of "Joy to the World" on repeat while walking back downtown. It was SO fun! I had the best time and I felt so in the Christmas spirit-- Madison Avenue is beyond amazing this time of year. Sigh.

Going home was not as bad, having had a great audition and good feedback from the panel. It feels good to hear nice things! AND of course I had snacks. And a more considerate seat mate.

Now, I must focus on getting all my music learned for January.

Friday

The riffing is kind of hilarious, but these two still give me chills

Friday

Getting ready for New York tomorrow. My voice is feeling heavy and horrible, so I think I had better rest it today. I will try my hardest to avoid screaming at students, I mean.

I need water. Is anyone else beyond dehydrated?

My dress is good to go. My shoes are sexy. My face is for once not breaking out from stress. I am so spoiled-- I hate having to go to the East Side for auditions. But I will do it, yes I will!

My travel time will be a good opportunity to work on rhythms and memorizing French. And I am not ashamed to admit, I can't wait to have one whole day ALONE. By myself, with myself, eating whatever I want and all on my own time line. Except for the part where I try to sing so wonderfully that I meet and yes, exceed everyone on the panel's expectations and they fall all over themselves trying to talk me into working for them.

Tonight I think I will bake cookies and work on getting ornaments on the tree. I have to do these kinds of enormous projects incrementally. :)

Wednesday

It's so cold out that when I arrive at work after my morning commute (walking fourish blocks), I have tears running down my face, from the cold, of course. But it's embarrassing because I'm pretty sure people are wondering why I am such a basket case.

Even though I'm not actually crying at the moment, I am more affected by the death of Elizabeth Edwards than I thought I would be. What an unbelievable woman, who endured so much sadness. Her attitude was incredible, and she never seemed like a victim. I'll never forget the interviews she did last year with Oprah about her book and the situation with her husband John.

It's made me think a lot about dignity. I have spent a lot of time flailing around trying to make sense of life, although maybe not outwardly all the time, more, maybe, on the inside. No matter how much one tries not to let it show, and to keep a stiff upper lip, if the flailing is happening inside, something's bound to surface. Is it even possible to be a dignified emerging artist? I wonder this almost daily. We jump through this hoop and that, pay this person and that person, work at one horrific day job after the next in service of a feeling that we have something to share, something to offer, something to say. And I don't I really know why, except that if I stopped, I wouldn't be happy, and living in a regretful way is not great when you get to be 75 and look back and wonder what it was really all about.

Tuesday: I have to share

This blog post is fantastic!

Go to one of my favorite bloggers for a little perspective on a Tuesday morning!

Tuesday

This week is shaping up to be a little intense. I have to admit that this November and December, I haven't taken on a lot of the normal audition season madness, because I've had gigs. Which is WONDERFUL. Oh, and because I am poor. This weekend, however, I've got to go up to New York again. I'm equally excited and filled with dread. A day off? Anyone? please?

Last night I went over my audition arias-- which I'm sheepish to admit, I haven't sung through in a few weeks. They were great! Bless the muscle memory, oh my soul. So I'm feeling better than I thought I would about the audition.

It is time now, also for me to get to work in earnest to begin learning the new score I've received for the production I start rehearsals for in January...I am having trouble motivating myself, not because the music isn't fab, but because....well....Christmas is looming. Shopping needs to get done. The tree needs to be put up. I have cooking to do. I am pushing myself to get through the next week and a half of school, so much work to do til the end, lots of concerts to work (ugh)...but I have REALLY earned the break.

I haven't really seen my husband in several weeks, since we are both in "tis the season for insanity" mode, but maybe, just maybe, after all the musical drama, family drama, and work drama calms down, we'll get a moment. We were lamenting our plight just yesterday, and then I reminded myself that it will make us appreciate our time together that much more!

Monday music

you can thank me later.

Tuesday

Tuesday's child is full of grace.

Well, I'm trying to be, anyway, people.

Very excited to sing for a pretty major lady in less than two weeks... another trip to New York? Yes, please. Another excuse to wear my dress and sing? YES.

I suppose I have my arias kind of settled, but I tried out an old one that is feeling might fine these days, and somehow MUCH easier than the first time I performed it-- Mi tradi. And I think this particular lady might really like to hear that.

But then, I think you are always doing the wrong thing by singing something not terribly secure just because you think somebody would prefer it over the things you sing really well and can always count on. I think she would agree.

I always have to remind myself: I am the artist. They are the audience. I choose what I will share with them even in an audition.

This little reminder keeps me from worrying too much about how to please everyone. Because I've learned that the way to engage most people at least is to do what YOU want to do and fully commit to it with everything you have.

Sunday

I am not sorry to say I still get choked up over music. There is always a new, wonderful thing that surprises me, or an old familiar piece that reminds me of something that happened once.

Or else it is just so purely amazingly good that it squeezes the tears right out of your eyes.

Friday= Hafiz c. 1320-1389

Why Not Be Polite?


Everyone

Is God speaking.

Why not be polite and

Listen to

Him?


**I am stunned sometimes at how very relevant to my life poetry from the 14th century can be.**

Wednesday

Yesterday was a disaster. I'm not sure why except that lately, work has been very tough, and I am feeling particularly drained by it.

This always frustrates me, because I always try to remember that while I am committed to my work during the 8 hours a day I am there, singing is my focus, my purpose, my reason for needing a day job in the first place. Therefore, anything that puts me in a place that keeps me from being able to practice effectively is not okay. But I am decidedly, and almost detrimentally conscientious, and have a hard time just blowing something off that I feel I could help with at my job, so I've been coming home every day this week wanting to kill myself. I take on too much. That is my Achilles heel.

I wish I could say Thanksgiving break was looking like a relaxing time to recuperate, but family dramas continue, and it's looking like more of the same.

Last night, after work, I rushed to my hair appointment, which I usually really enjoy, but this time, I left looking like a drowned rat-- my bangs had been dried all wrong, and I was like "F**k it."

Joe was working late so I took myself out to dinner. And I had bread pudding for dessert.

And it was good.

Monday

I want a dining room table. But I am very picky about things like this, so it is kind of making my life hell because I do not have a good sense of perspective in life, obviously, because truly horrible things are happening all over the world.

I thought all hope was lost until yesterday picking up a catalog only to realize that my dream chairs do in fact exist, and in real leather, and at an affordable price. Now, to try to figure out a way to pay for it.

I shall need some more gigs. Like tomorrow. Anybody?

Also, I have just discovered that I am swell at a very hard aria I thought I could never sing, so it is bound to be a good day. Even though it is Monday, I had almost forgotten.

Friday

At lunch with Mr. S a couple of days ago, he made the observation that I haven't blogged about cooking in a while, so singing must be going well! It's hilarious, and sadly true. When I have finished a gig, all I can think that I would want to do is go home and make dinner, and have a glass of wine. During rehearsals there is no time for such things, and I end up eating a lot of crap I shouldn't, and begin to long for real home food like brisket and roasted chicken.

So last night, since there is a break in the action until I am feeling better and until, well, next week, I made fajitas and red rice and took a minute to rest. It was so great.

Joe teases me because I am usually not great at days off, and time with nothing to do. I can ALWAYS find something, and since my tolerance for TV is low, a couple hours is my max. I could always do laundry, bake something, learn a page here or there for the next singing gig, or look at new music for a recital or audition.

Even though I am under the weather, I still had a great high E flat last night, so I thought to myself...maybe it's time to look at Violetta?

YES, just yes.

Wednesday

Our performance at Merkin Hall last weekend was grueling but wonderful. It taught me a lot about myself as a performer.

It becomes clearer to me everyday that energy and focus and commitment can make a performance sparkle, even against the odds. With less than adequate rehearsal time, a barely tonal piece and little access to a piano (I am so spoiled at home, I realize) except for an hour each day at Nola, I was scared to death, but the performance turned out well. I was sure when I arrived in New York I had memorized carefully, each interval, and the feeling that each note had in my voice. For these kinds of works, it can be a scary situation, because I was almost totally leaning on muscle memory to find each pitch, with next to no help in the piano part. Then, I was suddenly onstage to rehearse and it was like my whole vocal center of gravity had shifted, and suddenly things weren't feeling the same. Joe told me that what I was singing was right, and I had to rely on him that everything would be okay. The lovely thing is that the audience would never know...but I would know, and the composer would know, and god knows I am good at beating myself up over these things.

There is so much to be said, however, for just willing it to be right, and giving it everything you vocally and dramatically.

Sunday

No explantion necessary:

Friday

We are off an running for a wild weekend of singing! I've noticed an interesting difference between my life and most other people's: they can't wait for Friday-- I can't wait for Monday! That's the night I finally get to have a drink and yell and scream and talk on the phone! Hurrah!

We haven't even carved our pumpkins yet which is depressing. Last year Joe did a lovely intricate one depicting a cat in a window. It was impressive to say the least, and even when we let it sit out on the stoop all night, no one vandalized it. You have to respect an amazing jack o' lantern, no matter what kind of a houligan you are.

Yesterday night, my mother asked me to meet her for a little shopping outing, and since I haven't seen her in a while and I am on schedule with my secco recits, I said, YES I need to shop, people.

Well, can I tell you I almost spent the rent on a VERY major bag that I saw last night. Sometimes it is good to shop with your mother, especially when she is a bit more frugal, because she will keep you from doing these kinds of things. But then that is also the bad thing, because I could have been walking down the street today carrying an incredibly sick handbag that I've *always* wanted.

It's better this way. It is technically more productive and respectable to squander one's money on application fees rather than purses.

But is it really? Excuse me while I log on to ebay...

Thursday

Last night's activities included an hour rehearsing the songs for the upcoming New York concert, after which I realized, oh man my voice is in shreds! Which I think is probably what extreme register shifts at forte every five beats will do to you. Then I went and made dinner (I highly recommend Cook's Illustrated's recipe for pan roasted potatoes, P.S.). Ahhhh cooking is relaxing and makes me feel so good.

Shreds or no, I still had a lot of recit to nail last night, and when by 9:30 I was starting to zone out, I thought to myself...self, let's go watch TV. Then, I decided to try going over everything before bed to see if it will cement itself in my mind while I'm sleeping. After looking at the same passages again this morning, I don't know if it worked. People say it does. Maybe I am doing it wrong.

Happy Thursday!

Wednesday

Live in rooms full of light. - Cornelius Celsus

Light exposes the true character of everything. - Ephesians 5:13

The windows of my soul I throw
Wide open to the sun. -John Greenleaf Whittier

Tuesday

Can anyone please explain to me why in the world I had never experienced Sassy Gay Friend until today?

It was a revelation.

Also, I learned how to make perfect onion rings last night, complete with deep-frying.

I am so much more than just a singer. I am an expert deep-fryer.

Monday

All I can think about is chicken noodle soup. That is either because I am getting sick, or have spent so much time at the synagogue lately.

But I am happy to report that I have the ingredients and will be making some tonight.

Isn't my life supremely riveting?

I was in the paper yesterday, though, a promotional picture from a performance I just did was used with an article about the growing opera scene here in Charm City. It was lots of fun.

Then I had church. Then I had rehearsal. Then I came home and had in-laws. Almost had to call in sick, but I'm here, people, loud and proud that I survived.

Today, I intend to take a full day off from opening my mouth except if necessary and rest the voce. The poor little thing has earned it. I feel like I wasn't so good to her yesterday.

Saturday

Yes, I am fine. Sorry for yesterday's suicidal post that got hijacked by Jersey Shore I am not sure how.

I think I just need a nap.

And a trip to a third world country so I can be reminded of what a stupid, selfish person I am for complaining about what is really a fantastic life I am lucky to live. Will I never learn?

Friday

It is Friday, as if I ever have to remind anyone of that. I am tired. I have PMS. I went to the most wonderful wine tasting last night with a fabulous friend, and then came home and ruined it all by eating pasta and ice-cream, so now I feel bad about myself. I got rejected from an audition. Actually 2 auditions. I am a reject AND I can kiss that $35 goodbye. A double-whammy. My in-laws are coming this weekend. I have Shabbat at 8 am tomorrow. So it is a good thing we are having lovely weather because if it weren't I might do myself a harm.

I am weepy and cried over Audra MacDonald and Judy Garland singing on Youtube last night too.

It is an emotional mine-field, people. I would say there are grenades blowing up everywhere, except that ever since Jersey Shore, the word grenade has a strange and different meaning.

But thinking about Jersey Shore and grenades did just make me smile. :)

Thursday

So there it is. I've applied for several million things. I've polished up my arias, and we're ready to go. I have the perfect dress. I have the perfect shoes.

It is scary to think that because I have prepared so well for this year's auditions, if I don't get hired, the only thing that could possibly be to blame if I don't get hired, is well, ME.

Me, freaking out and forgetting to be fabulous
Me, freaking out and forgetting to be the character
Me, forgetting to bring the select grouping of arias the company asked for
Me, being too vocally exhausted because of another gig to sing well
Me, not being able to sleep
Me, having a bad hair day

Okay. Enough of this. Now let me get back to work on another freaking application.

Thursday

Joan Sutherland.

What can I say that everyone else hasn't already said?

You and Leontyne and Pav were my first loves. That recording of "Casta Diva" blew me away-- I think it might have slightly changed my life, actually. The way you made the hardest role for a soprano sound one hundred percent effortless...sigh, it set a standard for me in my own head that is going to be very hard to attain. :)

And about the whole diction issue. I just don't care. I never did. I actually get frustrated when a coach or a teacher mentions you because I had a moment of horrifically muffled pronunciation-- I feel offended on your behalf. You sing with such ease, such facility, and phrasing that I'm not ashamed to admit I stop caring about the words.

And we should all be such lucky sopranos as to be officially called "Dame." That and singing with Callas are the two things of which I am most jealous. The rest of us just have regular names.

Wednesday

Today I had a major break through.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but for about ten seconds I had the twinge of a feeling that is so foreign to me that I almost didn't know what it was.

Wait for it...

I realized that I don't care what people think.

About how I sound in my recital tonight. About what I look like. (And I'm sure this new found confidence will last all of ten minutes.)

Of course, I feel like on some level, you have to qualify a statement like that-- because I've always hated the kind of performers that don't give to their audiences and that seem to be singing to themselves. You have to want to create something for your audience, and you want to make them love you. But I think it is so different than wondering whether or not you are good enough. I have worked my tail off to prepare myself to sing in public, to sing well enough to get paid for doing it. So, I think it is about time I get up on my high horse and go out there and stop worrying so much about whether or not what I have is viable, worthy, and fantastic enough for everybody.

I've been watching the Showtime series "The Big C." First of all, Laura Linney is AMAZING. But, more than that, it's really made me think about how I should be making the choices that make me feel good about my time spent here, as short as it is. I've made the choice to be a singer, to be in a position to be judged and rejected on a daily basis. And actually, I'm very happy with my choice. If I knew I had several months to live, I think I would only want to sing more.

We have a lot of categories we have to try to fit into as singers. I'm lucky enough at this point to sound like something that fits my look...finally, my little voice has grown up a bit. As far as the look thing goes, there are those who might tell me I should lose 15 pounds. To them I say, you would hate to be around me when I am hungry. Life is short, people. Eat the french fries. Maybe some would say I am getting too old to be an emerging artist. Maybe others would say getting married is going to hold me back. I defy the belief that there's only one path to anything. Whether it's heaven or a career in singing. It used to really annoy me in high school when everyone was talking about how important it was to "be myself." Why would I have wanted to be myself, seriously? And that is assuming that I knew who the heck I was in the first place, which I obviously did not. I spent all of college trying to be thin enough for boys to like me, and all of grad school trying to sing loudly enough for the other singers to like me. It was painful, and exhausting, and such a waste of energy. Think of all the time I spent feeding my fear, when I could have been learning to trust myself and the hard work I was putting in.

Now I'm sure that all of this lovely non-fearfulness is just the result of a good nights sleep and two days off. But I'll take it.

Monday again!

So today, it's a wonderful day off from work, and I get to pretned I am a full time professional singer, because I have spent my time doing things like learning my recits for Figaro, counting till my metronome bleeds for this contemporary piece I'm premiering in less than a month, and teaching lessons.

It's lovely.

Although I can certainly see that I would have to be very disciplined to not just spend all day long cooking and baking, which was very tempting today.

Tonight I have a lesson, for the first time in a few months, and it's time for a tune-up. Things are feeling great vocally, though, and I have to say, it is amazing to have had such a wonderful teacher that you don't need him as much any more!

Tomorrow, I am going to be in the library mostly translating, which I always dread. I have heard singers say they love this part, but for me it is really much more of an incentive to just learn top speak Italian fluently so that I will know already, and won't have to spend hours writing it in. I could try to impress you with my level of intellectual prowess and say that I am titillated by spending hours in the library writing very neatly and very small with a mechanical pencil, but it would be a big lie.

I always thought singing was the perfect thing for me to do because I love drama, poetry, languages, literature, pretty dresses, and being the center of attention. But then there are things like translating, and like paying to apply to auditions, and like riding the bus back and forth to New York eighty times in one month.

The good does out weigh the bad, however, especially Friday night at our opera cabaret. It was such a GOOD time. So much fun, and a really supportive audience.

Wednesday night, Ms. C and I are doing another recital in the never-ending pursuit of working out the kinks and polishing up those audition arias. I am spending an arm and a leg on accompanists, but it's helping me a lot to perform the pieces for an audience.

Happy Monday, everyone.

Monday

I love today. Which I can't believe I'm saying, based on the fact that it's a Monday.

Although yesterday didn't start out so strong, it became one of my favorite Sundays in a very long time.

I sang at church, came home for a very quick lunch and to change before the memorial service. The thing about singing for funerals and memorial services is that they are much more like a real performance than singing at a wedding, because at weddings, no one cares about the singer-- its all about the bride. But at funerals, the congregation is in a reflective mood and is really listening. I find it much harder to do well than weddings, because no matter whether I know the person, I ALWAYS personalize the readings and the speeches in my head and start to feel very weepy. TERRIBLE terrible for the voice.

I've found it helpful to set a specific goal for every audition or performance that I sing...something to focus on for improvement. It's also a way to keep myself from freaking out-- focusing intently on something is a good distraction from nerves. So yesterday's mantra was "I will not allow myself to cry or get in any way emotional." And I was mostly successful, and while the super-carpeted acoustics of the room felt horrible, I think I sang well. Actually, it takes more energy to not cry at funerals than to sing the music.

After, a few friends were meeting up at my house to watch the football game and eat pizza! We had all had afternoon performances and were getting together to finally have a drink. I think I had three beers. Maybe more. And it was SO good.

Now the problem is that I have a lot of leftovers, including cookies, and I keep eating them like three at a time. I do not do well at resisting temptation. But then, I don't have to tell you that.

Wednesday

Tonight I'm doing a little run-through of some new auditions arias with two other sopranos. It's for an audience, so I'm a little nervous, especially about Norina.

But it will be a a good thing to see how much I can hold it together singing these in public, and I'll get a really good idea of what I need to work through before I put them on my list officially.

Tomorrow, another gig and some teaching, and then a night out! I am so excited.

Wednesday

I have an audition on my birthday. That is so cool.

Talk about lucky.

Monday

I was not at my best last night. It was below Jessica standards, but I tried really hard not to berate myself over the whole thing. What could I expect singing in a room that was basically carpeted from ceiling to floor and wall to wall, having left any hope of vocal freshness behind after the high holidays and yesterday's taxing anthem, and hormonal drama on top of it, a fabulous audition sparkling with delight was probably not in the cards.

Tonight, however, I have vowed to leave all thoughts of singing behind and just freaking go shopping.

What I really want is a Louis Vuitton Alma bag, but since that's not humanly possible right now, I'll settle for a new eye-liner at Sephora and an appetizer at PF Changs.

It's the little things, people.

Sunday

I made it through Yom Kippur...barely. I am trying to think of a Christian holiday that involves fasting...and I can't, except for the rule about meat on Fridays. It was intense...five hour long service with no food or water, and then another one in the evening.

THEN I went out and gorged myself on Japanese food.

THEN I went to bed.

I did church this morning, and now I am taking a break before finishing the hair curling portion of today's audition prep. Yes, I have an audition tonight. I pray I can pull it off after this week's singing marathon. But I did it last week, so my confidence level is uncharacteristically high.

At least for once (and hopefully am not jinxing this) it's not a downpour!

Thursday

Today is already so much better than yesterday that I am starting to feel human! It is rather remarkable that based on my level of dependence on caffeine, I am feeling this way after only one cup of coffee!

Here's my pithy little quote for today:

"A charming woman is a busy woman."
--Loretta Young

Wednesday

Last week was a blur. From work, to singing, to my synagogue gig, to the beginning of football season, well, I think I'm still recovering, and not, sadly because of any wild partying. Now that I've had a shot or two of vodka and am calm again, I can recount the week's adventures. JK, of course.

But I lived and it was great. They say whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and I can tell you, while I am not at liberty to elaborate too much, that saying is true. I am a tough bitch and you should hear me roar. :)

One of the big questions of last week was whether or not I could really make my trip to the audition I mentioned in an earlier blog post happen. After a grueling week at the office (this job is really not supposed to be in any way grueling, mind you), I had about one zillion hours of singing at shul. All of which came after a personal set of what felt like tragedies at the time for sure, that involved me losing a job I had been counting on. But I have to say, despite everything, I was SO glad I was sitting in those services. I loved the sermons, I loved the prayers. I love Judaism. I really do. It was so soothing for me when I really felt like maybe I was about to lose it. So, I am grateful for that opportunity, to say the least.

I had scheduled an audition about a month and a half ago for the Saturday after Rosh Hashanah, partially because I think I didn't realize how tiring the whole affair would actually be, and partially because I really REALLY wanted to sing for the company. It's one of the few times I felt I had a bit of an "in," having met the General Director at the Met Competition last year, who invited me to come for an audition. So it seemed like an important thing try to make happen, despite the inconvenient timing. I should have bought a plane ticket the minute I knew I was going, but it was summer, and I was poor, and I suppose I just thought the money would materialize somehow and I could buy it then.

Well, the money never materialized, and the next time I checked, the ticket was over $400 dollars.

So that helped me decide very quickly that if I was going to go, I would have to drive the 8.5 hours to get there, and stay overnight in a cheap hotel, and then drive back afterward in time for my church job Sunday morning.

Let's just say that around about Thursday afternoon, I was starting to think that maybe this audition thing was just not going to happen, based on the shape my poor voice was in. Since it would REALLY suck to get all the way there and do the world's worst audition because your voice was in shreds. Talk about a horrific waste of time. But coming home after the evening service, I had a little phone call with Ms. S, who I know I can rely on for honesty, and the ability to always tell the truth to me without being mean about it. She helped me realize that I should just suck it up and go.

So I packed the car before the Friday morning service, got my book and my dress and my F-me pumps and my load of make up, went and sang the service, then got in the car and drove straight there. All 8.5 hours. AND I treated myself to some evil and delicious fast food. And some cheesy driving music that only I like. It was the best. I really did have such a good time. Even the Best Western I stayed in was really the nicest of its kind. Although really, maybe what made the trip so downright nice was the opportunity to have just a little time ALL TO MYSELF. Can you imagine?

The morning of the audition, I got up to curl my hair, not realizing that I would be fighting a losing hair battle the minute I went outside. It was a DOWN POUR. Which seems to just be happening to me a lot for some reason. Weird. But hey. We roll with the punches. I come from a large family that had cars that always broke down, so I can handle anything.

In the audition itself, I sang 2 and half arias, and my voice wasn't as fresh as I could have hoped, predictably. But it wasn't half bad! And the feedback after the singing was worth the drive. I gathered all my dignity and walked out of the building before bursting into tears. It was such a relief to be done and to have done well and to be on my way home.

I understand, of course, that you can walk outside and swing your arm and knock over eleven fabulous sopranos, but it means SO much when a panel takes the time to really talk to you at an audition and give you some ideas, and tell you what they really think. It's scary that just feeling respected meant so much to me that day. I have been feeling a little disposable lately, and it was great to hear:

"Jessica, you are singing the right things. You look like what you sing, your look is great. You have a lot to offer. The only thing we really think you need to do is SING more. [Which is why, of course, I was there, to try to get some opportunities for myself!] Stop being a singer and start just SINGING. Find your own voice."

Tuesday

It was a great weekend, complete with all manner of singing and rehearsing and a little partying into the mix.

Now, for the busiest week of my entire life, topped off by an audition trip several states away.

How does the serenity prayer go again?

How about the prayer for vocal health and not to die?

Anyway, I will probably blink and it will all be over, and I will be laying in my bed wondering how I lived through it! :)

Thursday

When God closes a door, jump out the window.