Thursday

I am soooo out of it, and not feeling particularly well. I have no idea why, but I just can't seem to get motivated to do anything-- not practicing (although I dutifully do it anyway), not applying for things, not working out...it is a very weird feeling for me. Usually, I goal-oriented to a fault. I must just be having an off week, or maybe I can blame it on the muggy, hot weather?

While I have gigs early in 2010, at the moment, there is nothing pressing (except for the weekly church solo) and while I have finished my recording, and added four new arias to my rep this summer, I feel somehow as if I haven't accomplished much. I spent all of last summer and fall rehearsing and learning new roles, and well, there was my wedding, and everything was such a whirlwind that this summer's relaxed pace has kind of freaked me out. Or maybe this is what summer is supposed to feel like?

As silly as it may sound, it actually scares me a little that I have had so much time to cook, and that it's something I'm so into, because I feel that the opera singer side of Jessica is feeling a little jealous of all the attention the other side of Jessica is getting, and the real fun I have making new recipes. Like perhaps that's energy that would be better spent learning new rep, saving every penny for applications, going to lessons, coachings, etc. That is the small sneaking suspicion that is always in the back of my mind.

Then there is the ever looming question of YAPs. As a person who is lucky to have a job that pays the bills and provides insurance, I don't think I could just up and quit for something like a young artist program. So the very thing that makes me feel a modicum of security, also makes me feel a little trapped. While it's true that YAPs don't have a corner on creating successful careers, I guess to me, right now, and with the current state of opera in America, it kind of feels like they do. While my stated directive this year was to audition for everything humanly possible (because I finally feel that I am at least approaching vocal readiness for something like a larger YAP), it seems a bit ridiculous to think of spending the money on applications for things I couldn't forseeably just abandon my source of sustenance and pick up and move for. I do feel that having these things on my resume would be invaluable, however, and I'm just very confused as to what to do.

The great thing, and the upside of this whole story is that there are several summer-time YAP options that would work out well, and if I were to be selected for one, it wouldn't necessarily have to lead to the collapse of my entire life as I know it. So we will focus on that, and when I get my mojo back, jump back on the horse.