Friday, May 04, 2012

Less than perfect

I feel a little disappointed in myself right now, because I totally lost my shit at someone the other day. There are frustrations every day, and we all have them in our lives. But I've been trying so hard lately to really practice being as kind and understanding as possible while I'm there. The result of this has been that I'm much happier, and so is everyone else. Basically, the energy I'm putting out is circling back and life is much better in general. There's a lot more to the story, things that are going on, my own internal struggle with certain situations, but I can't go into that here. It wouldn't be right. And really, it doesn't matter. Giving you the back story would be so similar to making excuses, so I'm not going to go there. I feel terrible that at that moment, I wasn't able to be conscious enough to stop myself from snapping. I've been doing so well at stepping back and observing myself before reacting. The really sick thing is that I felt worse about myself than about the person I snapped at. It made me feel like I was one of the kind of people I spend a lot of time judging-- the ones who sometimes freak out and let their emotions get the better of them-- you know, HUMAN BEINGS. I've told you before that I work at being the kind of person I can be proud of. When I don't live up to it, I spiral into self-doubt, yuckiness and victimhood. Which is exactly the vortex of despair I've been wallowing around in since the incident. Oh, and I can only imagine that its made me a wonderful person for Joe to live with, who has lots of his own stress right now! Then it occurred to me. Maybe the best kind of person to be is the kind that forgives others and herself. Lets them and me be who they are, doesn't expect so much from them, doesn't take things personally. I screwed up. I admit it. Now, I guess I have to forgive myself for not being perfect.

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