Thursday

Okay. Not so much. No pedicure fun. I think I am going to have to stop making plans for a while. Things keep happening to subvert them.

Wednesday

Someone asked me again yesterday when I was planning to have a baby. I always feel like I have to defend myself and my reasoning for not having any inclination to do so whatsoever. It is an icky feeling.

And in order to defend against all icky feelings, one must arm themselves with very high notes, very sexy chest voice singing, and gorgeous hands and feet. Which is exactly why I am finally getting a pedi tonight. It looks like it might just be sandal weather, and I'd rather not put people off their feed by showcasing my current toe situation to all the world.

There are just certain things, I find, that people expect you to do, as a woman. I think I have done a pretty good job of conforming to most of them. For a long time, I felt like I needed to conform to be "right." But as I got older, and by the time I got married, for sure, I had switched pretty much completely over to doing things because they felt like the "right thing to do" for ME. I am reminded every time someone asks me an uncomfortable question, that I have to work even harder at not allowing the judge inside myself to turn on when people decide to try doing something a little differently than everyone else. I've always had a strong set of values when it comes to what I believe is right and wrong, but things like having a baby, who you love, getting married/not getting married, etc. definitely don't fall into the "right and wrong" category. Things that do: RSVPing, being nice, putting others before yourself, returning calls, honesty, showing up, and loyalty.

Also, singing in tune.

Friday

I've been saying for a couple weeks now that I need to go to a sweat lodge and be cleansed by a shaman or something after a year of a lot of weird stuff happening. The experiences are forcing me, however, to really think about what I'm supposed to be learning from all this.

Passover and Holy Week come at a good time for a little healthy commiserating. It's lovely to have an excuse sometimes to just grieve a little. I don't know about you, but I've been using up about 75% of my energy just trying to have a good attitude and proceed with life as usual.

Not that I can really identify in any real way with what it might be like to be enslaved for 400 years or to be ridiculed, beaten, and crucified, but wouldn't it just suck if our religions tried to pretend nothing bad ever happens?

So I am going to let the whole sense of Good Friday sink in a little. It's gray outside and it seems right.

It's kind of nice to know, though, and remember that the whole point is, both stories turn out really well in the end.

Wednesday, part 2

Here might I stay and sing,
No story so divine;
Never was love, dear King!
Never was grief like Thine.
This is my Friend, in Whose sweet praise
I all my days could gladly spend.

Wednesday

Hello! This is the first time in years I believe I have been relatively coherent and free of colossal fear and dread this time during Holy Week. Since I now sing for the kind of church that has weekly services, but does not make a big deal over things like Christmas or Easter, I'm kind of feeling light as a feather. I have some extra things for Passover, which will be lovely for the wallet, but I am not ready to kill myself with insane busyness like I was last year. It's the little things in life.

Monday

What a wonderful weekend I have had, interrupted only momentarily by the obtuseness of a certain someone with an opinion: "You know, I've never had any formal vocal training, but I was in high school choir, and I think you need to watch your .... when you sing. I find that sopranos especially do this a lot. But that's the only thing wrong with your singing that I can see."

I said "Thank you for letting me know. I will be careful about that in the future," with a stone cold face and sashayed away. It was pretty clear I wasn't pleased, but in a court of law...

Oh say can you see...all the people who think they know something because they were in choir in high school. And then, of course, I spent the better part of the drive home from church (that was the scene of the crime) thinking of much better come backs.

In other news, I attended a show of the national tour of West Side Story, and I am sorry to say the singing was perfectly abysmal. The dancing was great, though, and some of the acting quite fabulous. I am actually pretty mortified that people get hired and sing like that, but then, in some ways, it was rather validating. The fact is, it's really kind of almost impossible to be a really successful triple threat. It takes all the time one has in a day just to learn how to sing beautifully, and kind of act at the same time-- it is truly the work of a lifetime to hone a fantastic vocal technique. Add dancing in there, and something's going to suffer.

In the meantime, I will be working very hard at not paying it forward with the rude comments-- but I do think I am smart enough to know better than to criticize others at what they do for a living and have masters degrees in.

Well, it's Monday, and this time last week, I was hyperventilating at my desk, so today is already better.

Love to all!!!

Saturday

There's a terrible storm and we were watching Hannibal... I thought I would be okay, but my extreme sensitivity to human suffering kicked in and I promptly freaked out.

Good audition today. My voice was working, and despite looking like a drowned rat from the downpour, I think I made out okay.

I have come to terms with the fact that I will never finish Hannibal. Although I love the soundtrack...beauteous. And now it is bed-time.

Friday

Oh wow. Last night was tres fun.

I have been listening to all sorts of soprani singing my "Qui la voce," and I'm feeling like Caballe is probably my favorite, but it's frustrating because you have to buy the whole ALBUM on i-tunes if you want the track. So, I've purchased a Joan Sutherland version that is rather dreamy. My one problem with Dame Joan is that when I listen to her too much I find myself beginning to shift over to that long-ago expunged way of singing that sounds like I have a mouthful of marbles. So I shall listen to it only three or four hundred times instead of every second.

Thursday

While familial disturbances press and I worry about Joe having another problem, I have decided that it is about time I just go out to dinner with Stu. So that is what I am doing tonight, and then, meeting up for drinks at the grand old owl right after.

That being said, prior to partying, I will be opening up a can of whoop ass on some I Puritani-- my new aria is "Qui la voce," and I'm pretty pumped. It is such a pleasure to practice new things, and sometimes even things you didn't think you'd ever feel quite comfortable singing that are now suddenly feeling just right.

All will be well. In any case, we have to just get on with it.

Tuesday

I am back on the wagon of fabulous. Now, if only I had the cash to go shopping.

I should rather like an entire new spring wardrobe, and to lose 40 pounds. But I love eating and hate going to the gym, so I don't see it happening.

Along those same lines, I am diving back into my Sibelius songs, because I refuse to continue living life without them. They are divinity. Now, for someone who can speak danish or swedish whatever the actual language they are happens to be. They just don't teach you Nordic tongues in school for singing, so I'm going to need a lot of help.

Once again, I can drink, I can do things. But what I really need to get on is: MY TAXES. The bane of my existence.

Monday

The saddest day in the world is a Monday after a weekend of performances when you have to put on your clothes and go back to work and to life as usual. You miss your cast, you miss the audience...the fun and excitement and adrenaline.

Luckily for me, it is a beautiful day, and besides mourning the loss of my show (although I consider it a great success), I cannot be sad because it is just so lovely.

I am facing a little bit of a break in my schedule, besides the usual auditions and things, and it is both terrifying and thrilling all at once. There's that recital I've been wanting to have time to do for the past two years, there's all those other things...I'm dying to learn a few new arias for the audition list.

Happy Monday!

Sunday

Arise, shine, for thy light is come.

-- Isaiah

Friday

It's opening night, and I am feeling good. Putting the sad things behind and moving forward. It has been horrible to have to sound good during the last few weeks, but a the same time, kind of my saving grace to have something else to focus on for a few hours a day!

I am looking at a bit of a dry spell for singing after this weekend, except for my weekly gigs, but I think it will be a great opportunity to learn a new aria and start putting together the ever-elusive recital program. And you never know what can happen.

Tuesday

It's taking all my energy to appear composed and with it, cheerful and kind. After two weeks, my poor Joe is still suffering. I really miss seeing him smiling and happy. It is hard to see him not.

Tomorrow, he is having another thing done over at the hospital, the timing of which coordinates just perfectly with my last dress rehearsal before this weekend's performances. I am starting to think that I will look back on this month as one of my hardest ever, even in the context of this year in general, which has brought so many challenges, and really hasn't been what you would call stellar.

It's funny how some of my most exciting professional moments this year, however, have happened to be right in the middle of a couple of my worst times personally. It leaves me wondering what the Universe is trying to tell me... and what I would have sounded like had I not been so sad/mad/disappointed inside. Probably way better. Or maybe not.

My grandmother is fond of telling me that good comes out of everything. I really do believe that. But in this case, and according to Sally: "The only really good thing that will come out of this is that you know you can live through it."

Monday

I am having an existential blogging crisis. I don't know if it is really working for me any more. I find that all the things I really need to talk about, I can't stand the thought of putting online, and the kind of detail I really need to go into is just so potentially damaging that I don't know how to reconcile it.

I always have this sense that there are a lot of people I could offend or betray, or that the deepest worries of my soul will just sound like whining, because, after all these years, it is a mite repetitive.

In other very non-specific news, I am having a lovely time with my current show. The other singers are truly talented people with great voices, and it's a fab cast. We are having such an intense experience because the rehearsal time has been very compact. My dress is tonight, and in all honesty, I'm a little worried about my voice making it, after all the rehearsal in the past few days.

But I have a great costume, and I'm going to just go out there and make it happen, however I have to. We must be fabulous or die.

Friday

Joey is having surgery today. I am so happy for him, because he will feel so much better afterward, but I am a little scared.

It has been quite a week. Send us your good energy.

Wednesday

What insanity has taken over my life! It is as thought the gods are trying to sabotage any attempt I make at being well-prepared for rehearsals to begin with my latest gig.

I got on a trial last week at jury duty and that was an experience, to say the least. Very disruptive to my finely-tuned schedule, but I'm glad I had the opportunity to do it. I actually felt like I was doing something to give back, in some small way.

I burned my eye-- you've already heard about this.

And then, this week, my poor Joe is very ill and we've been in the emergency room twice. He is going to be okay, thank god, but it really made me think about what really matters to me. Being with him when we was in bad shape reminded me how much the other stuff really is not worth worrying about. Last night while he was in percocet la-la land, I had a chance to spend some quality time memorizing. And I drank a glass of wine.

Friday

I was selected for a jury! How crazy is that? It was a grueling, but fascinating experience, and I am so glad I did it.

In other news, I have a lot to catch up on. And I need to whip up some Donizetti for an upcoming audition. When was the last time I talked about Donizetti? Yeah...exactly. Better get on that.

Monday again!

Well, my cousin is here, and I can abolustely say with certainty that jury duty tomorrow is going to be lively after two martinis and a half a bottle of F. Coppola S.B.

Oh no. I cannot believe the United States would call me even though they know for sure I am too naive looking to be chosen for a jury.

Monday

Oh my god. I took my first nap in two months yesterday. It was phenomenal. Feeling so great today. That being said, I realize I have a lot of work to do on memorizing the next thing for me. Good thing I have jury duty tomorrow and can sit and memorize for hours. I always secretly hope that I will get chosen for a jury, but I never am, and have it on good authority that I never will be. One of the delightful ladies in my synagogue choir is an assistant states attorney and mentioned that I wouldn't be chosen because I am "too naive looking." So there goes my little Law and Order fantasy. But I wish they would mark that on my record somewhere, and take me off the list so that I didn't have to keep going every single year, even though I have no possibility of being picked. I do have to say, I am not sad about the prospect of just sitting, however.

Tonight, I am so lucky to have my cousin's husband in town for an interview, and I get to cook a dinner and things! I think we are going to have chicken piccata and a salad and couscous. Hurrah for domesticity.