Once, not too long ago, I was having a coaching with a
gentleman that I’ve known for quite some time.
We were conversing about a character whose aria I was working on and
discussing the similarities between her personality and mine. I am always interested to hear how others
describe me, because I suppose I am interested to know how I am perceived.
“You seem like a person who takes herself and life very
seriously,” Said he.
I was struck by that, because it made me realize what an
incredibly accurate description of me it actually is, but I’d just never
thought of it that way. He probably has
read this blog! Anyone who does could
only imagine me to be an over-analyzer of epic proportions! But I spent most of the next day thinking
about what he had said. I took stock of
my thoughts and observed myself throughout the course of a normal day.
The truth is, I spend a great deal of time thinking about
what I should do in any situation, about what other people feel and think, what
they will feel and think about me and my actions, what the “right” thing is to
do, how my behavior will affect others, how my reputation will be affected by
what I say and do. I think about what
is polite to say and what is appropriate to wear. Lately, a lot of my feedback from teachers
and coaches has had something to do with working on “letting go” and “letting
myself just sing,” and I’m starting to see a pattern here! Because of this aspect of my personality,
very few people have seen the fun, silly, carefree Jessica that is a huge part
of who I consider to be the real me.
Don’t get me wrong, I am a rather straight shooter, people
who I don’t like or don’t connect with usually know, although I am
cordial. When I am concerned, my concern
is real. When I am complimentary, my
sentiment is real. But I am almost
always trying to be on my best behavior.
I’ve talked about this before on this blog—I try to make myself proud. I know that life is what we make it, and the
space that we live in and relationships we have are only as good as we take the
time to make them. Having a good life in
that sense, does in fact take some serious effort.
Which can be tiring.
So we need places we can be and people we can be with where
no trying is necessary.
In trying to find those people and places, I have often had
judgement misfires, resulting in showing the wrong sides of myself at the wrong
moments to the wrong people. But they
were honest mistakes. And now I
know. Those are not my people, places,
or moments. I learned something. (Oh, and there I go again—taking something
seriously that was supposed to help me not take things seriously!)
In finding myself and my voice, I’ve discovered that singing
is one of those places. Not the work of rehearsal,
per se -- but inhabiting a character, performing for an audience. I can be silly, carefree wild pony Jessica
lots because I have arias and roles now in my lyric coloratura-dom that require
it! It is almost painful for my spirit, though,
that the minute I step off the stage, I know I have to be the other way again,
that my actions and attitude are being observed by my colleagues, and that in
classical music, taking yourself super-seriously seems to be the norm. There is no room for error, little room for
fun, protocol for everything, and we spend inordinate amounts of time making
sure the conductor, stage director, and GD are consistently impressed by our
professionalism. But it is so much fun
to share a part of who you really are, even if for just a few minutes onstage,
that it makes up for all the time we have to spend paying attention.
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