Days like today remind me of how far I still have to go, how much I really don't have anything to say that can help anyone, how much work still has to be done. As much as I want to believe what Joe and my grandmother and Beyonce say, that everything happens for a reason, I'm starting to notice that they only say it when something bad happens. And the reason it happened seems to remain the same every time: horrifying sitautions and events happen to remind the people that live through them that you can still wake up the next morning and go on doing things, that life goes on, and you're probably stronger than you think, in at least a few ways.
I had been feeling pretty powerful after losing 25 pounds and affecting some positive change in other ways, but maybe I needed to be taken down a notch! It's okay, universe, I understand.
In art, music, love...everything important, really, we could begin to see life as one long string of being torn down and built back up, as that Venetian theatre, La Fenice, burned three times and rebuilt like the phoenix she was so prophetically named for. And it will continue to happen for me, I am sure, until I am so strong that I can smell the smoke and see fire when it starts for what it is-- just another thing for me to overcome. Appreciating these things in the moment is impossible now, but maybe when I am wiser I'll be able to overlook the pain and go straight to the teachable moment.
But that sounds more like Buddha than Jessica. And Jessica still likes a great pair of shoes and steak and the occasional vodka soda too. Actually, I could probably use one of each right now.
See you tomorrow when everything will be brighter.
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