Wednesday, September 12, 2012

On having to be perfect

I'm in the midst of rehearsing for a choral gig.  You know the challenges with choral gigs.  Number one being blending (i.e. rarely getting to sing full out and needing to sing off our voices).  Number two being the sopranos usually have to sing in the passagio all the time.  Number three being, well, rehearsing after a long and rather taxing day of work.  But things are going along just fine last night, they really were, until after two hours of singing, I had to sing this solo line thats high and soft.

I did everything wrong.  I was sitting down, couldn't get my breath (duh, I should have stood up).  I over covered and tried to be overly precious and pianissimo.  And guess what?  I was flat, AND I screwed up the words because I was so concerned with getting back in tune that I forgot to take a breath in the right place.

It was really embarrassing.  There are a lot of accomplished singers in this choir who undoubtedly noticed.  I realize the importance of being on point vocally every single we have to sing in front of absolutely anyone-- I always warm up, I practice the solo lines I have, I try to be as prepared as possible.  Which is why I just felt really terrible about my lackluster showing.  In that moment, isn't it just excruciatingly painful to have to sit there and literally hold your mouth shut so that hundreds of excuses and explanations for why you were bad don't come flying out?  I made a horrible face and that was unprofessional enough.

It was just a terrible way to end the rehearsal and I went straight home and practice the line about 20 times-- all of which were GREAT.  And then I was even more pissed off.  How silly.  Why couldn't I sing it like that when it counted???  Sometimes I feel really sorry for Joe because when I get like this I am a real joy (*sarcasm) to be around.

So I acted like a petulant child for a few minutes and bemoaned myself.  Then Joe said something that made sense.

"It was a rehearsal.  The performance is what counts."

True.  And I still have fourish days to get this to be so second nature that it couldn't possibly go wrong.

Why am I so supportive and understanding when other singers are less than perfect, and don't extend the same mercy to myself?

1 comment:

BellaDiva said...

Your last sentence really resonated with me!