Weekend Recap

The recital was fabulous.  I cried the whole time.  I don't know what is about texts by Emily Dickinson, but I'm very touched by them, and I'm sure I'm not the only person.  Then, there's Knoxville!  Ahhh...that piece is such a tear-jerker, whether you had a great childhood or a medium one or a bad one, it just works every time...the melody comes back and waterworks!

I ran into so many fabulous singing types and musical types at the recital, it was great to reconnect with folks I haven't seen in a while, and really should see way more often.  Then I got to thinking after a conversation with my friend, the networking terminator, I need to attend at least one arts event a week, and make a concerted effort to really chat with people afterward.  I mean, I feel like my whole life is basically an arts event, but you know what I mean.

My other thing is that sometimes after concerts, I am a little bit of an emotional wreck, especially with song recitals, and I feel like visiting can break the spell of an experience I want to extend as long as possible.  After all, I do go to concerts because I love to experience music, and let it get to me.  But it is time for me to bring extra concealer and some powder, and pull myself together.  Because you know what networking is, right?  Having a conversation!  I have so much anxiety when I refer to networking as networking, because I am not good at self-promoting in the traditional sense, but it is not as difficult to have an upbeat conversation and to reply with a great attitude and no down-playing or self-deprecating when someone asks you what you've been up to.

Yesterday, I'd planned to attend an opera performance that many of my friends were singing, but I totally biffed it, and when I went online to get a ticket for the event, it was sold-out!  Which is great for them!  But I'm sorry my procrastination made me miss it.

However, I took the opportunity to go to a meditation workshop instead.  People, let me just tell you: it was HARD.  I didn't think I would have as much trouble.  My mind wandered, my back ached.  I had to focus so intently to stay awake.  But it was amazing in that I learned that if one can control their focus and their thoughts, one can do literally anything.  And, much like singing, it takes a lot of practice.  I am dreading it a bit, but I know that starting a daily practice would be extremely good for me at this point in my life, and I think I'm just going to have to do it.

If I just pick a place in my house and put the cushion on the floor, then I will be reminded every time I walk by that I need to start my practice.  And that will be the first step.

Weekend

Ladies and gentlemen, we've basically made it!  I am so happy for this weekend to arrive, as its been a tough week, but evenings like tonight make it all seem worth it.

Joe and I have the plan of going out for afghan food, and then attending the recital of a truly stellar soprano and pianist with whom Joe used to go to conservatory.  It is sure to be a delight.

Then, I am going to make my mom go shopping with me to find a new formal for my competitions that doesn't fall down-- oh the perils of weight loss.  Unfortunately, it seems the boobs are always the first thing to go.

And more practicing this weekend, of course.  I am bound and determined to be fabulous, I have to work my plan.  No reason to allow anything that I did or did not do get in my way!

Tuesday always comes!

So yesterday after work, I took advantage of the warmer weather, got my leggings and my tennies on and went out for my usual Monday night long walk, sadly without Mr. S, who was otherwise engaged last night.  However, it was really fabulous to put on my earbuds and listen to my voice lesson again from Saturday.

First of all, I have one of those teachers whose analogies are wildly off-the-cuff and usually hilarious, so I got another good laugh out of it last night, in addition to the vocal pearls of wisdom.

It felt so good to be outside, and maybe I was just in a good mood or something, but as I listened to myself sing, I noticed that I have truly improved.  I wasn't cringing to listen to myself, and I noticed many good things instead of hating what I heard.  Which, to be honest, is surprising, based on the experience I had ten days ago, and the darkish place to which it plunged me.

I wore myself out with that walk, and came home and heated some up of my delicious freezer food (Mac and cheese muffins...hey...I earned it) for dinner and drank some wine, and worked on my latest sewing project.  I'm working on refashioning some inexpensive pants I bought on Ebay-- a totally therapeutic and super fun endeavor.

Here's to a great Tuesday.

Inspired by:

1. This blog post: Discomfort Zone: How to master the universe

2. This blog post: 28 Brilliant Tips for Living Life

3.  This blog post: The IT Factor: "The absolute concentration of the positive on the now." WOW.

4.  All of the hard-workers in my life.  Your motivation and drive has kept me inspired this week despite my own issues.  

5.  Margaritas (Stu, this one is for you.)

6.  All of the singers.  :)  

I cleaned up after dinner last night and spent the rest of the evening just watching youtube videos of iconic singers-- Leontyne, Martina Arroyo (damn, she is fabulous), Jessye Norman, Kiri (her rehearsals to prepare the Vier Letzte Lieder with Solti are so cool). 

7.  White Chocolate Coconut Oatmeal Cookies: Click here for the recipe!  

Happy weekend!  And thanks for sticking with me this week. 

My Note from the Universe

Often, Jessica, simply showing up is enough. 

Thursday

Hello!  I haven't been feeling very well, so I've been a bit incommunicado, but I'm back on the horse.  Last night I sang through some Violetta and it felt wonderful, so I suppose whatever is wrong with me is not affecting my voice!  I can't use that for an excuse. :)

It has been so wonderful having Joe back and I enjoy the dumbest little things like going grocery shopping last night together.

I'm in NYC again this weekend, so hopefully I can get my mojo back before then!

Why?

I took some very good advice and stepped away for about a day and a half. 

Okay, not all the way.  I still tried to practice yesterday on my lunch, but it wasn’t really working, so I stopped.

Since Monday nights have become my traditional long-walk with Stu night, and it was FREEZING, we opted to age ourselves by thirty years and become mall-walkers for an evening.   We still got our allotted exercise, and were able to eat guacamole at Chili’s and see a silly movie afterwards.  So it was a fun time, and I got some good sleep last night, and I’m starting to feel better.

I practiced on my lunch break, and things seem kind of back to normal.

I still wonder, though, why?

Later that day

Days like today remind me of how far I still have to go, how much I really don't have anything to say that can help anyone, how much work still has to be done.  As much as I want to believe what Joe and my grandmother and Beyonce say, that everything happens for a reason, I'm starting to notice that they only say it when something bad happens.  And the reason it happened seems to remain the same every time: horrifying sitautions and events happen to remind the people that live through them that you can still wake up the next morning and go on doing things, that life goes on, and you're probably stronger than you think, in at least a few ways.

I had been feeling pretty powerful after losing 25 pounds and affecting some positive change in other ways, but maybe I needed to be taken down a notch!  It's okay, universe, I understand.

In art, music, love...everything important, really, we could begin to see life as one long string of being torn down and built back up, as that Venetian theatre, La Fenice, burned three times and rebuilt like the phoenix she was so prophetically named for. And it will continue to happen for me, I am sure, until I am so strong that I can smell the smoke and see fire when it starts for what it is-- just another thing for me to overcome.  Appreciating these things in the moment is impossible now, but maybe when I am wiser I'll be able to overlook the pain and go straight to the teachable moment.

But that sounds more like Buddha than Jessica.  And Jessica still likes a great pair of shoes and steak and the occasional vodka soda too.  Actually, I could probably use one of each right now.

See you tomorrow when everything will be brighter.

Last night.

I barely slept.  It was bad.  And his morning I am in the green room at my church job typing away because if I don't I will explode.

Somehow all of you out there are just anonymous enough that I feel semi sort of okay telling you how disappointed in myself I was yesterday.  There is something going on with my body, I think, my vocal cords are swollen and I feel like I sang terribly last night.  Or maybe I can't blame it on that.  Maybe there is just a lot more work I need to do.  Usually I am a bit better at forgiving myself and letting it go, but this morning I am a mess.  And I have to sing a Handel aria in about 15 minutes.

I just keep telling myself what Joyce DiDonato said in the Juilliard master class.  "I'm not a machine, I'm not a computer, I'm a singer and I'm human."

Oh and by the way, isn't she just wonderful?

I told you it would be loud...

And a bit wrinkled from sitting at my desk...but here it is!  The V-Day ridiculousness!

In preparation for V-Day, I offer this:

There's a couple things you could do to celebrate love tomorrow.  And you should, because single, or coupled, there's a lot of love to be celebrated.

1. Sing.
Spend time doing the thing you love most in the world.  I know I will.  Love is about so much more than romance.

2. Hang out with a little kid.
Remind yourself how much fun life can be, and don't forget to be totally silly.  One of my favorite kids actually has his birthday on Valentine's Day!  I am sad I'll miss it this year!

3. Plan your outfit accordingly.  I know I will be wearing pink and red tomorrow and everyone is going to throw up in their mouths a little, but I don't care, the bright colors give me joy.  Maybe black gives you joy-- and if so, you should totally wear it.  Spruce yourself up and get your fabulous on, however that manifests itself for you.

4. Nothing gives more pleasure than eating a really great meal.  Whether you cook it (sometimes this is just really satisfying) or whether you go out.  But make sure you have something great to eat.

5. Read this fabulous blog post: 14 Ways to Enjoy Valentine's Day: Single or Coupled

6. Don't allow cynicism to take over, whatever happens.  Plan ahead today to make sure that tomorrow is a happy, love-filled day for yourself!  Take the opportunity to reward yourself for your hard work and put some love out there for the fabulous folks in your life.

Things I love this Shrove Tuesday

So thankful for:

1. My bed! Oh it is sooo comfortable!  I didn't always have one this great, so I can really appreciate it.
Yep, and now I sound old. :)

2. The burgers at Hamilton Tavern, what a delicious discovery-- a rare and oniony experience. (and Z and A, or course!)

3. Monday night walks with Stu, made very necessary by the burgers at Hamilton Tavern!

4. My new rep.  Oh boy is it fun.  I am looking forward to all the chances I will have to sing it.

5. Pinterest hairstyle tutorials.  You girls out there...these updo tutorials are amazing!  I am rocking one today, and it makes me feel so good.  It is one of those rare days when you look in the mirror and say, YES!  That hair is fab!

6. The spring fashion issues I have been receiving in my mailbox.  So combine these with the comfy bed, and wow.  Life just got about 30-60% better.

7. J Crew pants for $11.00 on Ebay.  Yes, you heard that right.

8. Weddings.  So many people are getting married this year and it is a delight.  There's nothing I love better.

9. In the dead of winter, isn't it fabulous to look forward to a couple of weeks at the beach?  I am already planning my tannness.

10. By the power invested in me by Bach, I will now start working on another daunting piece of oratorio repertoire (I believe I am the only soprano who has never sung it).  I will not tell you what it is yet, but its a fun one! and full of fioratura flava.

Now go party.  It's fat Tuesday.  Or, big-boned Tuesday, as a politically-correct friend of mine tweeted earlier today.

Friday finally!

I have a temple gig tomorrow, but besides that and my church job, it will be a real weekend.  I am looking forward to being at home most of Saturday and Sunday.   It really does just sound heavenly.

I wasn't as resilient this week as I would have liked.  Although I am relieved to report it never happened in front of the wrong people, I had a couple of break downs.  Which is two too many in my opinion.  I really have nothing to complain about-- I'm healthy, well-fed, and have a wonderful husband and spectacular friends.  I am trying to cultivate unflagging positivity, and I think I'm making real strides.  But I heard a quote once-- I should look up who said it-- "Never apologize for showing emotion.  It is true and honest."

The low point was definitely my father's text asking me what year I was born.  Oh man.  I guess being a person's first child and the only one who will still speaks to that person, does not necessarily mean you remember when I was born.  I definitely remember when he was born.  But that is neither here nor there.  Clearly there are some wounds of mine that have never totally healed.

The high point of this week has certainly been my time with friends and Joe's homecoming, as well as the amazing Ravens Superbowl win.  It has been so great for Baltimore!

The stressors of this week luckily have had nothing to do with singing.  Singing is the wonderful escape from the drama!  I have some fun competitions and auditions and a concert coming up that give me lots to work for.

Goals for this weekend include wine.  Wine.  Maybe a little more wine.

Psalm 91

He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

² I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.

³ Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence.

⁴ He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.

⁵ Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day;

⁶ Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.

⁷ A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee.

⁸ Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked.

⁹ Because thou hast made the Lord, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation;

¹⁰ There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.

¹¹ For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.

¹² They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.

Moment

Lately, the only time I've had to sit and think has been either one of two places: during the readings at my church job each Sunday, or while I'm on the bus to New York, like right now.

While getting up at the crack of dawn to get on a bus can be less than glamorous, I love it too, because it means I am carrying out what I want for myself, and if this is the most adversity I'll face to live my dream, then, hey. I can handle it.  Since what keeps me going with this whole singing thing could really boil down to this: the pursuit of the moment that the music and who you are, your soul, really, collides so suddenly and perfectly that it becomes almost a living thing, a feeling that you never forget, ever. 

Those moments have happened at both very unexpected times, and times you would expect them to happen.  

It is disappointing to say that they rarely happen at a church job, but in fact it is true.  Mostly because of the lack of money to go around, church choirs are under-rehearsed, and we are always working hard during services to get the notes and rhythms right.  But I was very lucky in to be in a choir right after grad school at a church with a choirmaster who was just the right kind of church musician-- expects a lot from the singers, but picks fabulous, rewarding rep.  There was one Sunday with him that one of those moments happened. Tears actually come to my eyes when I think about it, and the crazy thing is that I think I'm the only one who felt it.  It was a very simple anthem with the most poignant text by Christina Rossetti, called Consider by a living composer named Roland E. Martin.  

I've tried to find a recording of it, but I don't think there is one.  It's okay though, I'm keeping it inside my head forever. 

I think my first solo Bach experience was another one.  Bach may actually be the first guy I ever fell in love with, and breaking through the belief that I couldn't sing it was powerful.  I'll never forget how amazing it was to sit there with the orchestra and chorus kind of just surrounding me with musical love in the form of a big chorale, as I got ready to sing my aria.  

One was in a coaching.  Once in a while you get to sing an aria with a pianist who plays the music and not the notes.  And when that happens at the same time that you may in fact be having a huge vocal breakthrough, it's all you can do not to just cry.  The last note happens, you look over at him and you both have tears in your eyes.  What just happened, I asked myself as I walked outside afterward, in a daze.  I know, I just remembered why I love doing this again. 

There are more and I hope you wont mind if I write them here, because maybe when an aspect of the process starts to feel like a drag, you can try to recall your own moments.  It really helps.

And what is so cool about life is that I know many more will happen. I wonder when the next one will be?

Thursday already?

The days have been flying by in a whirlwind of well, everything.  It's high competition and second audition season, and my day job has been more stressful than usual, add to that the planning of the concert honoring my teacher from undergrad, memorizing for a gig, and you quickly realize there are not enough hours in the day.  Also, I haven't been sleeping well, because my brain just can't stop thinking.

To be honest, I'm a bit concerned about my audition on Saturday.  I can sing, but physically I am very tired.  Hopefully I can sleep the whole way to New York and the whole way back!

I am looking for creative ways to raise money to pay for my trip to the semi-finals of the competition I'm doing in March.  My teacher has had some good suggestions, as she feels its an important one for me to do.  And the truth is, I cannot continue to let financial constraints get in my way of doing these big things.  Where there is a will there's a way, and I am going to figure this one out.  It isn't the first hard thing I've done and it certainly won't be the last.

A home stay is not an option offered by the committee, but I am thinking about asking for one-- as that would take care of a big part of the expense.  

In the meantime, I'll be trying to sock away a few bucks to get a head start on it, and I'll need to purchase my flight soon.

Woohoo!

Friday!

It's another Purple Friday here in Baltimore where Ravens Superbowl spirit abounds!  It's too cool, seriously.  Never before have I realized the true deficiency of my wardrobe when it comes to purple.  I had to buy some more purple stuff.  Which, as you can imagine did NOT break my heart.

Lately I've been attributing my positive attitude to eating a good breakfast everyday.  Or to mindfulness.  But today I'm happy to have gotten through the recorded round of a competition and am off to the semifinals.  Who knows what the odds were, but a little encouragement in the form of a non-rejection is always nice!  And after all the drama that surrounded my recordings.  For heavens sake.  

Sometimes I wonder what I would do if I didn't have this blog and the community of singers with which it comes.  Writing things down is so helpful sometimes! Very cleansing.

Focus and Preparation

It is freezing.  Not as cold here as in Ohio where Joe is teaching-- it was 5 degrees this morning when he got in the car!  But it makes it difficult to move and even harder to get motivated to do anything other than sit under a blanket watching movies!

The air is very, very dry here, so I've been using my favorite "avoid getting sick tactics" like Vick's Vapo Rub all over my nose at night, saline nasal spray every hour or so, and washing my hands like crazy.  Which, sadly, is not great for my skin or my manicure, but a girl has to take precautions.

To be honest, this time of the year is busier with auditions for me than the fall and pre-Christmas, so I'm taking lots of time to get the new stuff up and ready to go.  I had a great audition on Saturday and it marked a huge change in the way I see auditioning.

I've decided that there is absolutely no room for uncertainty when it comes to auditioning.  You either really do an audition, like its your job, like you WANT the job, like the job is yours, or you don't.  And the difference between one and the other is two things: preparation and focus.

The preparation part of it should be obvious for most of us by now-- but for me it HAS to include the acting part as much as the musical part.  I cannot just wing it in terms of the character.  I have to know what my arms and hands and everything are doing, and where the person is that I'm talking to in the aria.  I usually force Joe to let me try out some of the acting moments and ask him what is more believable.  This is great, because sometimes I do weird-ass things that don't make sense, and having another opinion is key.  However, I have found that if I believe fully in what I am saying and doing and totally commit to it, everyone else believes it too, no matter how over the top the gesture.

The focus part is not so clear cut.  For me it is all about my mindset going into the audition.  I HAVE to have faith that I am up to the challenge.  I have to get to the place mentally where I can trust in my vocal readiness and preparation so that I can do both singing and acting at the same time.  Sometimes this is very difficult.  I'm not sure how I get there, but this Saturday, I did it by taking plenty of time before starting the aria to really get my breath and think about who my character was.  Often, the pianist will start and not give you the time you need, but this time, I was lucky to have a very sensitive pianist on my team.
The other piece of focusing for me is reminding myself that this is not an aspiration for me any more, and its not just a fun hobby.  This is a job, and I have to show the panel that I can do the job and that I want the job.  I have to project confidence.  And the only way to project it is to actually have it.  The only way to have it is to work very hard.
Another way in which focus is key is to be so involved with music making that I do not spend any time listening to my own audition.  When I listen to myself, I drag the tempo and sing with too much control and not enough freedom.  Trying to control each note is always a bad idea.  Of course, there are moments when a singer knows they must focus in on a vocally difficult section or group of notes, but not the whole aria.

Putting all of this into play at once really takes practice, but for me it is always mostly about believing I can do it, and mindfully carrying it out.

Find the ones that make you WANT to sing

I just left a coaching with a certain member of my "team."  I can feel it in every muscle of my torso!  I was pushed vocally and physically to the limit, and when I leave I am always near tears.

But not because I am upset or want to jump off of something high as has in fact happened before, but because it reminds me how much I love music, and WHY.  It is always a very moving experience that brings me back to visceral parts of singing, and the very personal reasons it would be impossible for me to quit now.

And then, when I've gotten in my car, and begin to drive away afterward, I realize how lucky I am to have a person like that in my life!  My circle of "people" that I go to for advice is small, but every single one is a person whose studio I leave reminded of why music is literally the best thing since sliced bread, leggings, and champagne.  That is not to say I don't often have to process hard truths about my singing and myself.  But the music...the music-- when you realize that you are there basically to sing it in a way that others will love it as much as you do, to represent it honestly and as the composer would appreciate-- it makes it easier to swallow the harder pills about a certain aspect of my technique, say.

Sometimes as singers I believe we all get a bit of the "shiny and new" syndrome sometimes.  We go from coach to coach, teacher to teacher, hoping to finally find THE ONE who, upon entrance to their studio, the calls will start coming in.

We know how dumb we are being, right?

True, it has taken me a long time to assemble the team.  Number one criteria: you have to believe in me, and I have to feel like any criticism is coming from a place of repsect.

And here is what that does not mean: letting me get away with shoddy musicianship, ridiculous mistakes or bad diction.  It also means telling me if my audition dress is unflattering or if I need to lose twenty pounds to be believable in my fach.  Essentially, you have to believe I am worth telling the truth to.

Now that we have that cleared up-- I can tell you that each one is in the circle for a specific purpose.  At least in my own mind.

-I have my vibrato and resonance nazi.
-I have one that makes me sing out and be generally fabulous and expressive.
-I have one that forces me into rhythmic submission makes sure I am singing stylishly.
-I have a german diction/Bach/oratorio/mother person.
-I also have a husband and those are much harder to come by, especially with advanced degrees in piano.

Spend some time thinking about your people, who you need, what you need.  And remember that it is never worth it to spend money and time on something that is not really helping you love singing more.

Bliss on the bus

Yes, you heard it right.

I'm enroute to New York, sitting in my favorite place on the bus, two seats to myself, reading about Paris' demimonde listening to Murray Perahia play Bach keyboard concerti very loudly in my earphones.  I am seriously rocking out.

I don't know how, but along the way somewhere bus trips to NYC went from dread status to seriously fabulous time to myself.  If I do this enough, I'll get through all six solo concerti, and the double, triple and quadruple ones too!  Utterly amazing and they block out all the annoying video game sounds from the kid in the next row.

Listening to Bach couldn't hurt my Verdi and Puccini, could it??  If anything I will be metronomically more powerful when I arrive.